Not many people have basements in California...

February 18: 8 Sleeps to go

Picking up the pace, she says. Pfft. This is a poor showing, I can tell you. I blame work. So inconveniently placed, there in the middle of the day.

Anyway, NEWS! There will OFFICIALLY be an Oscar telecast—the writer’s strike has ended…I think…possibly. It’s kind of hard to get a straight answer out of Google, and who else am I supposed to ask? Ok, here we are—it seems they got some kind of pay rise and voted to end the strike…yay? Well, put it this way, Oscars are back. I’ll bet the costume designers are breathing collective sighs of relief. And isn’t part of the fun just critiquing everyone’s get-up on the red carpet? (Boys, I know, it’s not what you’re prepared to admit, but you’re thinking it.)

Some articles are lamenting the fact that the strike has prevented actors from engaging in the “wooing period” in which they go on every talk show under the sun in order to boost their chances. Heaven forbid the Academy ever base the awards on actual merit instead of who’s sent the best gift basket. “I LOVE beanie babies! But wait, this one has Belgian chocolate…what to do, what to do…who are we voting for? So you’re saying Clooney is the beanie baby?”

Anyway, I’ve decided to look out some ways to liven up Oscar night, and what better place to start than with a slurping game. Grab whatever substance you think it’d be fun to slurp (hey hey hey, put down that washing liquid!), and go for it whenever:

Red Carpet
· Someone says “it’s an honour just to be nominated”.
· Anyone says they’re wearing a designer (as in, “I’m wearing Armani”…seriously)
· Any celebrity looks appalled at what they were just asked by a journalist.
· Anyone trips (HEE)

Inside
· Jack Nicholson is wearing sunglasses indoors (only once, not every time he’s on screen, or you’ll be slurping all night)
· Anyone thanks God…as if the guy isn’t busy enough without having to turn around every five minutes and going “oh, yeah, no worries.”
· Whenever a winner goes the wrong way after his or her speech and needs to be ushered to the exit by some nuclear scientist in a skin-tight scrap of material posing as a dress.
· Whenever Jon Stewart makes fun of the Baldwins
· Whenever Jon Stewart is awesome
· Whenever anyone mentions the presidential race
· Whenever two presenters are forced to go through some demented “joke” before presenting their award.
· Whenever anyone bursts into song (two slurps if it isn’t a staged musical number)
· Anyone remarks on how cool Jack Nicholson is. Seriously, what are the Oscar producers going to do when he dies?

In turn, I shall be throwing things (food, socks, obscenities) at the TV whenever:
· Philip Seymour Hoffman is on screen. You don’t want to know what I’ll do if he wins.
· Anyone remarks on how heavy the Oscar statuette is. It’s heavy. We get it.
· They don’t play excerpts from the nominated scores. For heaven’s SAKE, you devoted something like an HOUR to Warren Beatty’s acceptance speech, you can spend five minutes on this.

Speaking of Warren Beatty, let’s take a few moments to feel thankful that he’s not accepting an honorary award this year, and see who is…

Some guy called David Grafton will be accepting the Gordon E Sawyer Award: Given to an individual in the motion picture industry whose technological contributions have brought credit to the industry.

…hmm. He’s been involved in two—count ‘em, TWO—films, one of which was optics in the Empire Strikes Back. HEE! Light Sabers! Well, if you’re going to make a couple of contributions to film, I suppose that’s a pretty big one to start with.

Moving on. Hey, we’ve got a BEANIE to give out! (Yay, meaningless awards!) Today’s is awarded to the:

Best Oh-God-Don’t-Go-Down-The-Stairs! Moment

And the BEANIE goes to…

No, Jake! No! (from Zodiac)

Oh god, what is wrong with you? You’re hunting a serial killer and a prime suspect has just invited you down to their basement?! RUN JAKE RUN!

It’s incredibly stressful, is what it is. Did anyone see Zodiac? It was awesome. Nominated for nothing, obviously, but it should have been. Why? Because I liked it, that’s why!

So here’s what we’ve got: a serial killer who sends in ciphers and codes to the newspapers in San Fransisco, seems to kill for the heck of it, and whom no one can catch. Not even with the best efforts of Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo AND Robert Downey Jr. But the film isn’t about who the killer is, not really. It’s about obsession, and the way it can eat away at people. Deep, yes?
There are a few scenes where quite a bit of violence is done—it is about a serial killer, after all—but the scenes in between are where I had the most fun. It’s the interplay between some great actors and some genuinely funny moments, a nice manipulation of the audience’s nervous systems…

So there’s another one. Phew! Not long now, folks.

O

“Jesus Harold Christ on rubber crutches Bobby! What are you doing? You're doing that thing again. That thing we discussed... starts with an L...”

“Oh, looming.”
---Robert Downey Jr, Jake Gyllenhaal—Zodiac---