OBlogs: In which Grace Kelly almost gets a drill through the neck

The producers have turned on the blessed, blessed air conditioning, and it's much more comfortable in the Kodak Theatre.

Anyway, John Hurt is presenting the award for Best Makeup, and this is because his film The Elephant Man was the reason for the creation of this award. And that's kind of special. The funny thing is that Alien, in which an alien burst out of John Hurt's chest in the cafeteria, was not nominated for this award. Swings and roundabouts.

Not nominated.

At any rate, the nominees are:

An American Werewolf in London, 1981 - Rick Baker (sort of a usual suspect when it comes to special makeup effects, Baker was also the first winner of this award, for, you know, turning someone into a werewolf)

Beetlejuice, 1988 - Ve Neill, Steve La Porte, Robert Short (bringing the mad, mad mind of Tim Burton to life)

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001 - Richard Taylor, Peter Owen (hobbits and elves and orcs! Oh my!)

Pan's Labyrinth, 2006 - David Marti and Montse Ribe (for the Pale Man, if nothing else, will become ingrained in your mind FOR EVER)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 2008 - Greg Cannom (making Brad Pitt very, very old, and then young and pretty again)

And the winner is...Pan's Labyrinth! You can tell that Rick Baker is a little crushed but up flashes a picture of the Pale Man and everyone murmurs assent while trying to look away discreetly, in hopes that they'll be able to get to sleep tonight.

A halt is called to proceedings as Rick Baker challenges David Marti and Montse Ribe to an on-stage paint-off! The challenge, to transform Nicole Kidman and Grace Kelly into grotesque versions of Freddy Kruger and Frankenstein's Monster, respectively. Baker is making headway on Kidman, but has run out of knives for her fingers and is badgering Cher for the razor blades attached to her headdress. Meanwhile, over at Kelly's station, she is WEARING those bolts, and Charlize Theron makes a note to accessorise this summer. It's all brought to a head when Kidman and Kelly, alarmed at the snowballing effect of their artists' one-up-manship, call a truce, and the Fantasy Oscar is cut down the middle and shared.

Billy Crystal flicks the lights on and off, calling for order, and everyone returns to their seats. Grace Kelly picks a stray bolt off her neck and Nicole Kidman performs a quick hairdo change.

Up next to present the award for Best Costume is Cher...which is a little awkward, yet sort of appropriate...Bjork is always there, but her swan dress is a little dwarfed by Cher's, er, ensemble...

Roman Holiday, 1953 - Edith Head (never has anyone looked as lovely as when dressed by Edith Head, the queen of old Hollywood glamour)

La Dolce Vita, 1961 - Piero Gherardi (iconic beauty and effortless style, and all of it in a fountain)

The Last Emperor, 1987 - James Acheson (an incredible feat of costume design, not the least because the Buddhist lamas could not be touched by women, and so extra male wardrobe hands had to be hired...)

Moulin Rouge!, 2001 - Catherine Martin (like a costume shop exploded! In a good way!)

Memoirs of a Geisha, 2005 - Colleen Atwood (recreating the fashion-heavy world of the Japanese Geisha)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to...Edith Head for Roman Holiday! YEAH! Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly (now devoid of bolts and green paint) and Bette Davis all leap to their feet to pay homage (in case you're wondering, they all look AWESOME, and stylistically are kicking the ass of Gwyneth, Halle and Angelina).

Nobody challenges Edith to a costume-duel. That, gentlemen, is how we do that.

OBlogs: In which ponies share a stage with Ah-nald for the first time ever.

Fred Astaire shoos the cabaret dancers off the stage and Ginger Rogers takes care of the ponies in tutus, wondering if it was worth the effort. A satisfied audience says yes.

Hell yes.

Moving on, Ah-nald is here to present the award for Best Visual Effects. He mentions that currently, one body part of his is, in fact, a visual effect of its own.

A brief murmur as everybody's thoughts plummet into the gutter for a moment.

Ho ho! It's his teeth! They're whitened!

Another brief pause as everyone thinks, in unison, "Yeah, RIGHT." There is, however, a smattering of laughter, because Ah-nald is still pretty massive.

See.

Side note: the trivia for visual effects is incredible. Pioneers you wouldn't expect, like Willow, which was the first film to use the morphing technique used to such, well, effect in T2 (below), and The Muppets Take Manhattan, which was the first to use green screen instead of blue! And Cliffhanger, which pioneered the digital "taking out" of suspension wires. Kind of integral, I suppose, given the subject matter.

Aaaaanyway. The nominees are...

Star Wars, 1977 - Pew! Pew! Pew! Lasers, everywhere!

Who Framed Roger Rabbit, 1988 - you think combining animation and real actors was easy? It wasn't.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991 - if you don't know why, you haven't seen the movie. You've also never seen any kind of documentary on visual effects. It isn't because of Ah-nald.

Jurassic Park, 1993 - It's totally not my fault that all these films are relatively recent. This award didn't even exist until 1963 (in which, I'm appalled to see, Jason and the Argonauts didn't even get nominated!). Anyway. Dinosaurs. Nuff said.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002 - once again due largely to animation of a character, but in this case Gollum is ALWAYS an effect. Also the battle of Helm's Deep was sort of beyond cool.

And the winner is...

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers!!! (I must say, it's getting REALLY hard for the jury to make these decisions) But hurrah! All the little Weta people (apparently the staff of Weta Digital was doubled for the purpose of this film...there are a LOT of people on stage) file up with jollility to receive the award, because this is the Fantasy Oscars and EVERYONE gets an award! Ah-nald is no match for their numbers, and in seconds they swarm and he is seen no more. Never mind, though, because they're all so happy! Wheee!

Who would you say, at this point, is the person best suited to present the award for Best Editing? I'm going to go with Irony Lives Here, so out walks Warren Beatty and Gwyneth Paltrow, who represent people who could use a little editing when they start to speak.

Nominees...

(I'm explaining away the arbitrary nature of these picks by the fact that this portion of the ballot sheet was sort of fuzzy, owing to a shoddy refilling of printer ink. Which was also not my fault.)

From Here to Eternity, 1953 - William A. Lyon (someone had to say when to cut that little clinch on the beach...just kidding. It's probably more to do with the Pearl Harbour attack)

Lawrence of Arabia, 1962 - Anne V. Coates (the opening sequence, in which we fade from the burning match in Lawrence's hand to the burning Arabian sun. That's why.)

Raging Bull, 1980 - Thelma Schoonmaker (everyone likes a boxing match, but nobody edits one like Thelma Schoonmaker)

Saving Private Ryan, 1998 - Michael Kahn (bullets, hand-held cameras, explosions, death, blood, intestines...put it this way, this sequence could have been a LOT longer and less intense)

Slumdog Millionaire, 2008 - Chris Dickens (just one of the things it did really, really well)

The winner is Raging Bull! Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Martin Scorsese carry Ms Schoonmaker up onto the stage, making for a somewhat lopsided journey. She is gracious and eloquent in her speech, and there is nothing in it that doesn't need to be there. She's a pro.

Chocolate break!

OBlogs: In which I have nothing whatsoever to do with the voting. Honest.

Backstage there is a brief tussle between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton over who is going to do the talking. As always, Liz wins, and steps out to great applause, flashing her violet eyes before presenting the award for Best Art Direction. The size of the diamond in her ring seems to be weighing her down and the end of her dress still hasn't made it onto the stage. Luckily husbands one through six are there to hold the train.

(not that sort of train)

At any rate, the nominees are:

Ben-Hur, 1959 - Chariots! Slaves! Lepers! Jesus! But in terms of art direction it's really the chariots that people focus on, most notably THE chariot race, which is still kicking the ass of action sequences in the 21st century.

Gone With the Wind, 1939 - It's BIG. Not, clearly, as big as the previous film (what is?) but sizeable, nonetheless. And quite an undertaking. It's about a spoiled young lady in the South during the Civil War. I believe there's also some fighting and whinging and burning of buildings. It's a hazy memory - I mean, four hours.

Cleopatra, 1963 - This particular film has 10 art directors. Seems somewhat overqualified for its nomination here. Anyway. Ancient Rome and Egypt, Cleopatra arrives, Cesar murdered, widow Cleopatra shacks up with his killer, things go badly, lots of death.

Titanic, 1997 - Yet another enormous film. Two star-crossed lovers meet on the ill-fated steamer Titanic, and they're just getting things together when that pesky ice berg shows up...

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, 2003 - Can't help but notice we could've done with a little, well-decorated movie in here. But there are only five spaces and who am I to judge? Upon the showing of the film's clip, David Lean is seen to spend several minutes with his mouth hanging open.

The Sting, 1973 - Ha! An extra spot! Yes, two grifters in the jazz age of the 1930s set up the best long con ever set to ragtime music. (Awesome bit of trivia I just found: Robert Shaw's limp is completely authentic, having injured himself -- wait for it -- playing handball. Now THERE's a story in need of telling)

Burton is allowed his only line: "And the winner is..."

BEN-HUR! You've never seen so many angry art directors in a room before, sketching elaborate hang-man nooses and pointing from them to the winners, and it becomes apparent to the producers that shutting these creative and rather competitive people in a room together may not have been the best idea. Still, the crew from Ben-Hur are pretty stoked, and quite frankly at some point most everyone will acknowledge (albeit grudgingly) that they deserve it. Probably.

Everyone's had a chance to rearrange the seating plan while they wait for the train of Elizabeth Taylor's dress to disappear back stage. Poor little Haley Joel Osment is stuck between Jack Nicholson and Mickey Rourke. Terrified. Glancing frantically towards the exits.

The producers have done a little rearranging of the presenters and decided the best bet at this moment is to send out Aishwarya Rai and Sean Connery. It works, and everyone stops bickering to stare at the pretty people.

(Hello!)

The nominees for Best Cinematography are...

A Midsummernight's Dream, 1935 - Hal Mohr (turns out his main contribution was to spraypaint the trees in the film orange. Guess you had to be there. Mohr was not actually nominated, but won on account of the number of write-in campaign votes from grass-roots supporters. Somewhat awkwardly, the Academy decided they would no longer accept write-in votes after this year. Heh.)

Lawrence of Arabia, 1962 - Freddie Young (Lawrence's attempts to regain some of the Arab peoples' homeland. A tiny caption for an enormous film. The best scene being Omar Sharif's entrance, as it would be for any film Sharif is in)

Barry Lyndon, 1975 - John Alcott (one of the most innovatively shot films in movie history, and the applause for Alcott is pretty loud)

Schindler's List, 1993 - Janusz Kaminski (the decision to film in black and white meant that the crew, from costumers to art directors to cinematographers, had to re-learn everything they had learned in colour. Meanwhile Spielberg found his own shooting style by cutting back on big budget cranes and camera equipment.

Road to Perdition, 2002 - Conrad L. Hall (Goodness me! Who knew? Veteran cinematographer Hall shoots his final film in the style of an Edward Hopper painting, picking out some colours and desaturating others to evoke the depression era)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to...

It's a TIE! ANOTHER TIE! Oh yes, this award goes to both John Alcott for Barry Lyndon and Conrad L. Hall for Road to Perdition (I swear! It just happened like that! I had nothing to do with it!). These two gentlemen get a standing ovation (why are cinematographers so much better-behaved than art directors and animators?) and they pay respects to each other in their speeches. Hall also tips his hat to Irmin Roberts, the inventor of the dolly zoom, better known as the "Vertigo effect", while Alcott thanks the directors who gave him his chances behind the camera, and especially Stanley Kubrick.

Leaving things on that happy note, it's time for a musical number. It is not Rob Lowe, and for that we are all thankful.

OBlogs: In which Chuck Norris settles everyone down

As the kerfuffle over by the animators dies down, Donald O'Connor does a little fancy footwork to get our attention, while Jack Nicholson gives an ear-splitting whistle, which shuts everyone up. Here to present the award for Best Documentary Short Subject is Michael Moore. He has a few things to say about various political administrations (the Bush, Johnson, Nixon and Harding administrations feature heavily), and it's only when George C. Scott strides onto the stage to wrest the microphone out of Moore's hand that the cheers start from the audience:

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Chuck Norris has it all in hand, though, and has only to stroll across the stage to frighten Moore into submission and cause Scott to reconsider his pundit. Order is restored.

The nominees are.

Thoth!, 2001 - Sarah Kernochan (chronicling the life and performances of New York artist S.K. Thoth, who does his thing with a violin, bells and a gold loin cloth)

Kokoda Front Line!, 1942 - Australian News and Information Bureau (a camera record of the bravery and fortitude of Australian armed forces in New Guinea during the War)

If You Love this Planet, 1982 - Edward Le Lorrain and Terri Nash (a lecture on the dangers of nuclear proliferation, given at the height of the Cold War)

Donald In Mathmagic Land, 1959 - Walt Disney (yes, it's animated, but it's also a tour through the magical world of maths, given by none other than Donald Duck. It is. Fantastic.)

Chuck Norris tears open the envelope with his teeth. Hell, the envelope FALLS APART at the sight of Chuck Norris's teeth. And the winner is...

Chuck Norris! But also Kokoda Front Line! An extremely ocker speech follows, with lots of strewths, bloody hells and strike me roans! Basically, Alf Stewart thanks the Academy.

At any rate, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are on hand to present the award for Best Documentary Feature. With a wary eye on Chuck, who stands waiting in the wings for any unnecessary grandstanding, the two make it a classy introduction, while still outlining the importance of the documentary for shining a light on real and sometimes urgent issues.

The nominees are:

Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt, 1989 - (telling the stories of those who contributed to the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, made as a memorial to those who have lost their lives to AIDS-related illness)

Who Are the DeBolts? And Where Did They Get Nineteen Kids?, 1977 - (ok, maybe it was put here because of the awesome title, but it's still a good tale about a couple who on top of their five biological children adopted 14 more, most of whom were disabled war orphans. And after the film was made they adopted TEN MORE. Take THAT, Angelina)
An Inconvenient Truth, 2006 - David Guggenheim (detailing the efforts of Al Gore to convey the urgency of global warming and what it means for our planet)

Taxi to the Dark Side, 2007 - Alex Gibney and Eva Orner (telling the story of a young Afghani taxi driver who was beaten to death while being held by American soldiers)

Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport, 2000 - Mark Jonathan Harris and Deborah Oppenheimer (the story of the kinderstransport, an underground railway used to save the lives of over 10,000 Jewish children during the holocaust)

And the winner is (while I pause to wonder why the HECK David Attenborough has never been nominated for this kind of thing) a TIE!! Between An Inconvenient Truth AND Taxi to the Dark Side. There is some time spent at the microphone in polite demurs as each winner asks the other to go first. Eventually, though, they thank the Fantasy Academy and those who have seen their films, noting that it is the uncomfortable (inconvenient, if you will) truths which are in most need of documentation.

Now that the Feature men and women have calmed things down, everyone takes a breather, as Chuck Norris comes back on stage to flex his muscles for the enjoyment of the crowd while Judi Dench and Morgan Freeman narrate some Chuck Norris Facts.

(my favourite is the one about the periodic table)

Quote of the day:

"It's important to rescue the frog."

Al Gore - An Inconvenient Truth

OBlogs: In which we kick things off with a fight between animators

There’s nothing better than a good list, especially in the new millennium, with all that backlog to work with. And so this year I’m devoting the OBlogs to one evening in which the time/space continuum goes on a bender to allow all nominees to fight it out for the ultimate in Fantasy Oscars…

The stars gather in the auditorium, jostling for proximity to Marilyn, Katharine and Marlon (that’s Mr Brando to you, Brad, now go and sit down). John Williams is brokering a peace between Elmer Bernstein and Bernard Hermann over the rearrangement of Hermann’s Cape Fear score, while Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson and John Ford are huddled secretly over in a corner muttering about collaboration.

Billy Crystal, Bob Hope and Donald O’Connor head towards the microphone for an (well, three) opening monologue while David Niven explains to Jerry Lewis why he can’t say those things in public. It’s time to begin.

And the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film are:

The Chicken, 1965 – Claude Berri (a family goes to buy a chicken from a farm, and the young boy is delighted with his new pet…until he finds out what his parents are planning for dinner)

Bear Country, 1953 – Walt Disney (part of Disney’s series of short nature documentaries – bears!)

Two Soldiers, 2003 – Aaron Schneider, Andrew J. Sacks (a young boy in America during WW2 tries to stop his older brother from being enlisted)

The Music Box, 1932 – Hal Roach (Laurel and Hardy try to move a piano. Hijinks ensue.)

Ray’s Male Heterosexual Dance Hall, 1987 – Jonathan Sanger, Jana Sue Memel (dance hall politics and business networking combine in a weird little take on office politics and the difficulties of dancing to the business world’s tune)

David Cronenberg gets up to present, making a joke about how he’s not short enough to present this award. Polite titters from the audience. And the winner is…

THE CHICKEN! Despite betters’ odds Berri does not accept the award wearing a chicken suit, but gives a dignified speech. The little kid is also there, and everyone awws over that for a bit. He’s still not as cute as the kid from Kolja. Walt Disney eyes Berri beadily and is heard to mutter: “we’ll see…”

Cuter!

(Before you ask, that's not Sean Connery)

Up to present Best Animated Short Film is Danny DeVito, who does not enjoy the joke the producers are making at his expense, but he’s a pro, so carries on regardless, noting that restrictions were placed on more than one nomination per filmmaker (this is clearly directed at Uncle Walt, to stop him from glaring too much at the crew from Pixar). Nominees are:

The Old Mill, 1937 – Walt Disney (a testing ground for advanced animation techniques, this film details the onslaught of violent thunderstorm on an old mill and the animals who live there)

Gerald McBoing-Boing, 1950 – Stephen Bosustow (the story of a little boy who speaks through sound effects, not words, based on a story by Dr Seuss)

The Critic, 1963 – Ernest Pintoff (Mel Brooks voices a 71-year-old and impatient movie-goer who doesn’t understand the artistic and abstract images on-screen and feels the need to convey this. Loudly)

The Wrong Trousers, 1993 – Nick Park (Wallace and his faithful, clever dog Gromit are running short of cash. Wallace invents a pair of techno-trousers, and these, with the addition of a sinister new roommate, lead to a thrilling came of dog vs penguin)

Geri’s Game, 1997 – Jan Pinkava (an elderly man plays a game of chess with himself and things get unexpectedly competitive)

Aaaand the winner is…The Old Mill! Walt leaps to his feet and yells “SUCK THAT!”, which makes his otherwise moving and gracious speech a little insincere, but he still gets a well-deserved standing ovation. It’s ok, since Nick Park and Jan Pinkava have just sketched out a caricature of Uncle Walt and are planning several parodies in which Mel Brooks plays an old man who doesn’t understand Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.

Quote of the day:

Old Man from Russia: This is cute... This is cute... This is nice... What the hell is it?!? I know what it is! It's garbage! That's what it is! Two dollars I've paid for a French movie, for a foreign movie and I've got to see this junk...
Lady in the audience: Would you shut up?
Old Man from Russia: I'm 71. I've got the right to be loud, lady. I'm gonna die soon!

OBlogs: In which the Oscar nominations are out! (and I am sleepy)

So, owing to the fact that I couldn’t get to sleep, I decided to wait up to see the Oscar nominations live. The fact that I have yet to finish my series on the “best films of the noughties” (seriously, whose idea was it to choose 50? Whose?) will not be deterring me from this year’s Omails (or Oblogs, I suppose), and as I wait rather impatiently and (let’s be honest) droopy eyed for the clock to tick over to 00:30, I realise there are many, many films that I have yet to see. Possibly all of them. What can I say, money has been tight (00:29) this year and I have not yet become a professional (i.e. paid) movie critic. BUT the Oblogs are beginning (00:32…hey, geniuses! Where the heck are the updates, man? Oh, HILARIOUS. The black screen with the rolling newsbar tells me they don’t start until 00:38), and this year I’ve decided on a new theme: the Fantasy Oscars. Ooooooh.

But you’ll have to wait to hear about that later, because, at a lazy 0039 it’s Anne Hathaway and Some Guy. Here are my reactions (you will notice that a lot of these just include a name. that’s because it’s after midnight and my typing skills just don’t care that much):

Supporting Actress: Seen none of them in action, but I’m sort of glad that Maggie Gyllenhaal is up there.

Supporting Actor: HURRAH! Christoph Waltz!

Actress: Hee. Go Meryl, I say.

Actor: Aw, Colin Firth. Also Morgan Freeman. And, if truth be told, George Clooney

Director: The usual suspects, including Tarantino, of which I am quite glad.

Original Screenplay: Tarantino again (good one) and hurrah, Pixar!

Adapted Screenplay: Nick Hornby! I’ve heard of him! Go you lovely man! Needless to say, haven’t seen any of these.

Foreign Language: I’m enjoying the fact that Anne Hathaway is giving the foreign pronounciation a go. I really like the sound of the White Ribbon…

Animated feature: Oh please, it’s going to be Up, isn’t it?

Best Picture (here come the ten):

Avatar

The Blind Side (big cheer)

District 9

Inglourious Basterds

Precious

An Education

The Hurt Locker

A Serious Man

Up (HURRAH PIXAR!)

Up in the Air

Here’s how many of those I have yet to see: 9. That’s it, we’re starting out on a 1/10 success rate this year. Sheesh.

A quick glance at the rest of the noms (which can be found on imdb.com)…HARRY POTTER! HUZZAH!!!!! (for best cinematography, if you’re wondering)…er, Star Trek is nominated for makeup, which I suppose makes sense…although I guess Avatar will be walking away with Visual Effects (sorry, District 9 and Star Trek, show’s over there)…Wallace and Gromit will be kicking ass in the Animated Short Film category, and…

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIRACLE FISH IS NOMINATED!!!!!! I’VE OFFICIALLY WORKED ON AN OSCAR-NOMINATED FILM!!!!

(I’m warning you now, I’ll be mentioning this in pretty much every OBlog from here on in. A girl has to take her victories…)

Well, as I plotz around the living room a bit before making my sleepy but excited way to bed, I bid you all a Merry Oscars.

Let’s get started…