OBlogs: In which we kick things off with a fight between animators

There’s nothing better than a good list, especially in the new millennium, with all that backlog to work with. And so this year I’m devoting the OBlogs to one evening in which the time/space continuum goes on a bender to allow all nominees to fight it out for the ultimate in Fantasy Oscars…

The stars gather in the auditorium, jostling for proximity to Marilyn, Katharine and Marlon (that’s Mr Brando to you, Brad, now go and sit down). John Williams is brokering a peace between Elmer Bernstein and Bernard Hermann over the rearrangement of Hermann’s Cape Fear score, while Steven Spielberg, Peter Jackson and John Ford are huddled secretly over in a corner muttering about collaboration.

Billy Crystal, Bob Hope and Donald O’Connor head towards the microphone for an (well, three) opening monologue while David Niven explains to Jerry Lewis why he can’t say those things in public. It’s time to begin.

And the nominees for Best Live Action Short Film are:

The Chicken, 1965 – Claude Berri (a family goes to buy a chicken from a farm, and the young boy is delighted with his new pet…until he finds out what his parents are planning for dinner)

Bear Country, 1953 – Walt Disney (part of Disney’s series of short nature documentaries – bears!)

Two Soldiers, 2003 – Aaron Schneider, Andrew J. Sacks (a young boy in America during WW2 tries to stop his older brother from being enlisted)

The Music Box, 1932 – Hal Roach (Laurel and Hardy try to move a piano. Hijinks ensue.)

Ray’s Male Heterosexual Dance Hall, 1987 – Jonathan Sanger, Jana Sue Memel (dance hall politics and business networking combine in a weird little take on office politics and the difficulties of dancing to the business world’s tune)

David Cronenberg gets up to present, making a joke about how he’s not short enough to present this award. Polite titters from the audience. And the winner is…

THE CHICKEN! Despite betters’ odds Berri does not accept the award wearing a chicken suit, but gives a dignified speech. The little kid is also there, and everyone awws over that for a bit. He’s still not as cute as the kid from Kolja. Walt Disney eyes Berri beadily and is heard to mutter: “we’ll see…”

Cuter!

(Before you ask, that's not Sean Connery)

Up to present Best Animated Short Film is Danny DeVito, who does not enjoy the joke the producers are making at his expense, but he’s a pro, so carries on regardless, noting that restrictions were placed on more than one nomination per filmmaker (this is clearly directed at Uncle Walt, to stop him from glaring too much at the crew from Pixar). Nominees are:

The Old Mill, 1937 – Walt Disney (a testing ground for advanced animation techniques, this film details the onslaught of violent thunderstorm on an old mill and the animals who live there)

Gerald McBoing-Boing, 1950 – Stephen Bosustow (the story of a little boy who speaks through sound effects, not words, based on a story by Dr Seuss)

The Critic, 1963 – Ernest Pintoff (Mel Brooks voices a 71-year-old and impatient movie-goer who doesn’t understand the artistic and abstract images on-screen and feels the need to convey this. Loudly)

The Wrong Trousers, 1993 – Nick Park (Wallace and his faithful, clever dog Gromit are running short of cash. Wallace invents a pair of techno-trousers, and these, with the addition of a sinister new roommate, lead to a thrilling came of dog vs penguin)

Geri’s Game, 1997 – Jan Pinkava (an elderly man plays a game of chess with himself and things get unexpectedly competitive)

Aaaand the winner is…The Old Mill! Walt leaps to his feet and yells “SUCK THAT!”, which makes his otherwise moving and gracious speech a little insincere, but he still gets a well-deserved standing ovation. It’s ok, since Nick Park and Jan Pinkava have just sketched out a caricature of Uncle Walt and are planning several parodies in which Mel Brooks plays an old man who doesn’t understand Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.

Quote of the day:

Old Man from Russia: This is cute... This is cute... This is nice... What the hell is it?!? I know what it is! It's garbage! That's what it is! Two dollars I've paid for a French movie, for a foreign movie and I've got to see this junk...
Lady in the audience: Would you shut up?
Old Man from Russia: I'm 71. I've got the right to be loud, lady. I'm gonna die soon!