OBlogs: In which Chuck Norris settles everyone down

As the kerfuffle over by the animators dies down, Donald O'Connor does a little fancy footwork to get our attention, while Jack Nicholson gives an ear-splitting whistle, which shuts everyone up. Here to present the award for Best Documentary Short Subject is Michael Moore. He has a few things to say about various political administrations (the Bush, Johnson, Nixon and Harding administrations feature heavily), and it's only when George C. Scott strides onto the stage to wrest the microphone out of Moore's hand that the cheers start from the audience:

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Chuck Norris has it all in hand, though, and has only to stroll across the stage to frighten Moore into submission and cause Scott to reconsider his pundit. Order is restored.

The nominees are.

Thoth!, 2001 - Sarah Kernochan (chronicling the life and performances of New York artist S.K. Thoth, who does his thing with a violin, bells and a gold loin cloth)

Kokoda Front Line!, 1942 - Australian News and Information Bureau (a camera record of the bravery and fortitude of Australian armed forces in New Guinea during the War)

If You Love this Planet, 1982 - Edward Le Lorrain and Terri Nash (a lecture on the dangers of nuclear proliferation, given at the height of the Cold War)

Donald In Mathmagic Land, 1959 - Walt Disney (yes, it's animated, but it's also a tour through the magical world of maths, given by none other than Donald Duck. It is. Fantastic.)

Chuck Norris tears open the envelope with his teeth. Hell, the envelope FALLS APART at the sight of Chuck Norris's teeth. And the winner is...

Chuck Norris! But also Kokoda Front Line! An extremely ocker speech follows, with lots of strewths, bloody hells and strike me roans! Basically, Alf Stewart thanks the Academy.

At any rate, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are on hand to present the award for Best Documentary Feature. With a wary eye on Chuck, who stands waiting in the wings for any unnecessary grandstanding, the two make it a classy introduction, while still outlining the importance of the documentary for shining a light on real and sometimes urgent issues.

The nominees are:

Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt, 1989 - (telling the stories of those who contributed to the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, made as a memorial to those who have lost their lives to AIDS-related illness)

Who Are the DeBolts? And Where Did They Get Nineteen Kids?, 1977 - (ok, maybe it was put here because of the awesome title, but it's still a good tale about a couple who on top of their five biological children adopted 14 more, most of whom were disabled war orphans. And after the film was made they adopted TEN MORE. Take THAT, Angelina)
An Inconvenient Truth, 2006 - David Guggenheim (detailing the efforts of Al Gore to convey the urgency of global warming and what it means for our planet)

Taxi to the Dark Side, 2007 - Alex Gibney and Eva Orner (telling the story of a young Afghani taxi driver who was beaten to death while being held by American soldiers)

Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport, 2000 - Mark Jonathan Harris and Deborah Oppenheimer (the story of the kinderstransport, an underground railway used to save the lives of over 10,000 Jewish children during the holocaust)

And the winner is (while I pause to wonder why the HECK David Attenborough has never been nominated for this kind of thing) a TIE!! Between An Inconvenient Truth AND Taxi to the Dark Side. There is some time spent at the microphone in polite demurs as each winner asks the other to go first. Eventually, though, they thank the Fantasy Academy and those who have seen their films, noting that it is the uncomfortable (inconvenient, if you will) truths which are in most need of documentation.

Now that the Feature men and women have calmed things down, everyone takes a breather, as Chuck Norris comes back on stage to flex his muscles for the enjoyment of the crowd while Judi Dench and Morgan Freeman narrate some Chuck Norris Facts.

(my favourite is the one about the periodic table)

Quote of the day:

"It's important to rescue the frog."

Al Gore - An Inconvenient Truth