I had big plans this year--well, plans--to do a proper lead-up-to-the-oscars blog, but Life, that pesky, addictive habit, got in the way. So as a means of entertaining you a little before I send through my picks for this year, here are my Oscar Beanie alternative Oscar nominations and winners. No waiting!
On that, for those who do not understand what I mean about Oscar Beanies, because it's been a while, they are so named because they are my favourite piece of winter clothing (the possible TV offshoot of these awards would probably be called the Mittens). One day I imagine a little gold beanie statue with a pompom on top being presented to proud recipients.
Also, please bear in mind that I haven't seen ALL the movies ever. Including Skyfall. I know, I know, I'm getting to it!
Also, please bear in mind that I haven't seen ALL the movies ever. Including Skyfall. I know, I know, I'm getting to it!
Anyway, here are this year's Beanie nominees:
Best
Performance by an Inanimate Object in a Motion Picture
The homemade clan hoods—Django Unchained
(it’s the effort that counts)
The silver candlesticks—Les Miserables
(guilt in corporeal form)
Pi’s raft—Life of Pi (hardest working raft
in showbiz)
 |
| These are his ANGRY eyes |
Winner:
Les Miserables. Because they drove the entire story. And because I felt bad for
thinking of nominating Keira Knightly for Anna Karenina.
Best
Folicular Performance in a Motion Picture
Christoph Waltz’s beard—Django Unchained
(just plain impressive)
Anne Hathaway’s haircut—Les Miserables (of
the minimalist design)
James Spader’s mustache—Lincoln (changing
an entire face and looking awesome)
Tommy Lee Jones’s wig—Lincoln (mostly for
what it covered)
Quvenzhane Wallis’s ‘fro—Beasts of the
Southern Wild (whee!)
 |
| Wheee! |
Winner:
Beasts of the Southern Wild. Because WHEE, that’s why!
Best
Performance by an Animal in a Supporting Role
Richard Parker—Life of Pi (for blurring the
lines between CGI and real life and for expressing a heck of a lot with one
unblinking glare)
The Aurochs—Beast of the Southern Wild
(they sure came a long way for that payoff)
Tom Waits’s rabbit—Seven Psychopaths
(managing to be menacing simply by not having a point to being there)
The salmon—Salmon Fishing In the Yemen
(swim away! Swim away!)
 |
| MY fish. |
Winner:
Life of Pi. Because you don’t want to piss of that tiger.
Best
single line of dialogue
Alan Arkin: ‘Argofuckyourself.’—Argo
Quvenzhane Wallis: ‘Once there was a
Hushpuppy, and she lived with her daddy in the Bathtub.’—Beasts of the Southern
Wild
Jennifer Lawrence: ‘You say more
inappropriate things than appropriate things!’—The Silver Linings Playbook
Dev Patel: ‘Everything will be all right in
the end, so if it is not all right it is not yet the end.’—The Best Exotic
Marigold Hotel
 |
| CHEERS! |
Winner:
Argofuckyourself. Because it’s so damn fun to say.
The
Viggo Mortensen Award for Best Entrance
John Goodman—Flight (also a contender for
the Rocky Award for Working That Music)
Leonardo DiCaprio—Django Unchained (ahh,
the smiling malevolence)
Ian McKellen—The Hobbit: An Unexpected
Journey (Jackson knows his entrances)
 |
| He's on the list. |
Achievement
in Gratuitous Violence
The last 30 minutes—Django Unchained
Welcome to Candieland—Django Unchained
Revolutionary French dentistry—Les
Miserables
The opening 30 minutes—Zero Dark Thirty
 |
| Seriously, Quentin, calm the F*^& down! |
Winner:
Django Unchained, the last 30 minutes. Because it SO didn’t need to be there.
Best
Meal in a Motion Picture
Raisin Bran and tea—The Silver Linings
Playbook (because it’s not a date)
Bilbo Baggins’ entire larder—The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey (stomachs all over the cinema world rumbled)
Cocaine, orange juice and gin—Flight (for
that get up and go!)
Fish, fish and more fish—Life of Pi (soo
much fish)
 |
| The dwarf eating some kind of greenery is about to be bitch-slapped. |
Winner:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Because did you SEE the stuff he had in
there?
Stay tuned for full Oscar picks!
Stay tuned for full Oscar picks!
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