Oscars! Now with 100% more Billy!

It's that time of year again, but better! The pictures are fantastic, Billy Crystal is hosting again and I've finally managed to write these OBlogs. So here goes!

Best performance by an animal in a motion picture
Hundreds! Thousands! There were…okay, there were about five, but still! Look at all the animal parts in the movies this year!

Uggie, in The Artist: Oh my, what an adorable creature. Not only is he wicked smart, but he was saved from a trip to the pound by a trainer who then put him in this movie. Best moment: he part where Uggie begs his owner not to kill himself…I swear I could almost hear him pleading. Wah.
Joey, in War Horse: Gosh, and here I’ve used up my “Wah” in the previous entry. Could not. Stop. Crying. Best moment: the frantic race through the trenches, only to end up covered in barbed wire in No Man’s Land. Oh gosh, I’ve got something in my eye…
Arthur, in Beginners: Poor little bugger’s owner died, leaving him a bit confused and VERY neurotic, to the point that he just could NOT be left alone in the house. Best moment: having a heart to heart with Ewan McGregor about how he needs to learn to talk.
Koko, in Red Dog: How much did everyone just want to own a red dog after this? He certainly put up with a heck of a lot of red dust makeup, but Koko’s expressions were what sold him in this film, and what had everyone invested in his fate. Best moment: his entrance, sitting in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a lift.

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…Uggie, because he seemed to be really acting.

Best performance by an inanimate object
The key, Hugo: which brought together such disparate people and gave life to an automaton.
Chocolate pie, The Help: because you’ll never look at one in the same way again.
The chess pieces, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: because of the way they moved around the board
The Boer War pennant, War Horse: because I AM NOT CRYING, that’s why!

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…Mini’s chocolate pie. Because never has the appearance of a pastry meant so much.

Best form of transport in a motion picture
Motorcycle, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: certainly a cool way to get around, but then my memory is that it doesn’t turn out to be particularly safe…
Apparition, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2: quick, neat, but with the possibility of splinching if you’re not paying attention.
Horse, War Horse: an excellent way to start out, but what about at the end of the day, when you
just can’t feel your bum?
Private car, The Artist and The Iron Lady: probably best in the first instance, because in one case you are being driven by the farmer guy from Babe, and in the other you are being followed by angry, angry mobs.

And the Oscar Beanie goes to… Apparition. It’s the fact that it’s instantaneous, and I hate traffic. I promise I’ll pay attention!

Best one-liner
“Perfect! Can you give me one more?” From The Artist
“Elizabeth is dying. Wait... Fuck you! And she's dying.” From The Descendants
“Fried chicken just tend to make you feel better about life.” From The Help
“Marilyn, my darling, you are an angel and I kiss the hem of your garment but why can't you get here on time for the love of FUCK?” From My Week With Marilyn

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…The Artist. A little goes a long way.