In which I give my picks for Oscars 2011

VS

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Nominees:
127 Hours
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone
It’s always nice, in these days of ten nominees, that the Academy members haven’t lost their minds and included one of the Twilight movies. This award will be fought out between The Social Network and The King’s Speech, and though I wouldn’t be disappointed with either winning, and I still don’t think it’s a lock, it’s looking like the King’s Speech will edge out a win. I’m picking the Social Network as my “should” win because it really blew me away. Darkest of dark chances that Inception will take everyone by surprise and get the Golden Dude.

Who should win: The Social Network
Who will win: The King’s Speech

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Nominees:
Javier Bardem for Biutiful
Jeff Bridges for True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network
Colin Firth for The King's Speech
James Franco for 127 Hours
I am so gunning for Colin Firth on this one. He gets points from last year’s A Single Man, but honestly I think his performance in The King’s Speech stands on its own, and then some. There’s that accent, for one thing, and the way each word sticks painfully in his throat, the panic rising as the pause between words gets longer and longer…good lord. Possible upsets with Bridges and an outside chance for Jesse Eisenberg, who does a wonderful job in The Social Network, but I really think this is finally Firth’s. Hurrah!

Who should win: Colin Firth – “The King’s Speech”
Who will win: Colin Firth – “The King’s Speech”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Nominees:
Annette Bening for The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman for Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence for Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman for Black Swan
Michelle Williams for Blue Valentine
Both Nicole Kidman and Michelle Williams pulled out beautifully real and draining performances in their respective movies. While Annette Bening is being touted as a possible upset, I really don’t think it was in any way an outstanding performance. Lawrence is by all accounts marvellous, but she’ll be going the Gabourey Sidibe route. This is Portman’s to win, and despite not being able to sit through Black Swan (apparently I didn’t even make it to the worst bits) it fits for her win.

Who should win: Natalie Portman – “Black Swan”
Who will win: Natalie Portman – “Black Swan”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
Christian Bale for The Fighter
John Hawkes for Winter's Bone
Jeremy Renner for The Town
Mark Ruffalo for The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush for The King's Speech
Mark Ruffalo just doesn’t deserve this one. It’s not a particularly outstanding performance, in a not particularly outstanding movie. The real fight is between Bale and Rush, and even then Bale has a massive head start. While I love Mr Rush in just about anything (he was still the best thing about Mystery Men) I think Bale deserves this.
Who should win: Christian Bale – “The Fighter”
Who will win: Christian Bale – “The Fighter”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
Amy Adams for The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter for The King's Speech
Melissa Leo for The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld for True Grit
Jacki Weaver for Animal Kingdom
I’m so proud of Jacki Weaver – for an Australian actress in an Australian film to be noticed by the Oscars, it’s got to be a roundhouse-kick-to-the-head kind of performance. So I kind of hope that she pulls a Tilda Swinton and surprises everyone. Other than that…Melissa Leo is the most likely to win, but little Hailee Steinfeld is storming up a strong chance of upsetting, largely, I assume, due to the shock everyone experienced by not being annoyed out of their minds by a small child in a western. An extremely strong bunch of women.

Who should win: Hailee Steinfeld – “True Grit”
Who will win: Melissa Leo – “The Fighter”

Best Achievement in Directing
Nominees:
Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan
Ethan Coen, Joel Coen for True Grit
David Fincher for The Social Network
Tom Hooper for The King's Speech
David O. Russell for The Fighter
With the King’s Speech gaining momentum as the awards draw closer, I’m going to bet that they split the vote and give Director to David Fincher. He’s a quality director and though there seems to be a lot of love for the Coens in Hollywood, he did a fantastic job on the Social Network. As someone who liked both films just about equally, I’d be quite happy for the latter to get its due recognition.

Who should win: David Fincher – “The Social Network”
Who will win: David Fincher – “The Social Network”

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Nominees:
Another Year: Mike Leigh
The Fighter: Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson, Keith Dorrington
Inception: Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right: Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech: David Seidler
I thought for a while that Inception might just get this, but the fantasy aspect of the film plays against it. The Academy doesn’t tend to class fantasy writing as “proper writing”, which is a shame, but there it is. Look at Fellowship of the Ring. Sigh. So, then. If we’re dismissing an amazing concept then it’s going to be The King’s Speech, which in itself is a wonderfully written screenplay, and thoroughly deserving.

Who should win: David Seidler – “The King’s Speech”
Who will win: David Seidler – “The King’s Speech”

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Nominees:
127 Hours: Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
The Social Network: Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3: Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich
True Grit: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Winter's Bone: Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini
How I love Aaron Sorkin. Sure, he’s been known to plagiarise his own work shamelessly in the past (like, whole sentences), but the dialogue in the Social Network is all new and it’s fantastic. The elements of this story really are Shakespearean – it’s not a film about Facebook, it’s about greed, betrayal, envy, genius, ambition, twins, love, friendship… Grab yourself a ghost and some kids baked in a pie and you’ve got yourself a party.

Who should win: Aaron Sorkin – “The Social Network”
Who will win: Aaron Sorkin – “The Social Network”

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Nominees:
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3
Confession: I cried during Toy Story 3, and not just once. This trilogy of stories manages to get to that little kid inside all of us, and it’s done so without ever losing that attention to detail and universal sense of humour. I feel all this despite the three thirty-somethings sitting behind me in the theatre talking about how hot Buzz Lightyear was. Score, Pixar, score.

Who should win: Toy Story
Who will win: Toy Story

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Nominees:
Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Outside the Law (Algeria)
It pains me to go against my ancestors, but I’ve seen a bit of Dogtooth and it’s freaking disturbing. Dudes. Therapy. I’m tipping In A Better World, with no prior knowledge.

Who should win: In A Better World
Who will win: In A Better World

Best Achievement in Cinematography
Nominees:
Black Swan: Matthew Libatique
Inception: Wally Pfister
The King's Speech: Danny Cohen
The Social Network: Jeff Cronenweth
True Grit: Roger Deakins
Come on, Roger Deakins. It’s totally your year. Nine goddamn nominations and some frankly stunning cinematography. Otherwise I’d go for either Jeff Cronenweth or Wally Pfister, but I really think it’s about time the Academy threw Deakins a bone. How many more Coen brothers films does he have to shoot?

Who should win: Roger Deakins – “True Grit”
Who will win: Roger Deakins – “True Grit”

Best Achievement in Editing
Nominees:
127 Hours
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
The Social Network
Editing awards like boxing movies. This bugs me, but probably mostly because I have issues with boxing as a spectator sport. And so! Once again my inability to sit through Black Swan limits my ability to comment there, but what I saw looked pretty impressive, given the editing required when filming ballet from anywhere but the audience. The Social Network also has some stellar work, and I think I’ll be opting for it to take out the others.

Who should win: The Social Network
Who will win: The Social Network

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit
Ah, Harry Potter. How I want you to win an Oscar. Not going to happen this year, however (though I’d love for them to prove me wrong), and I’m calling this a race between Alice in Wonderland and Inception. I’m going for Inception.

Who should win: Inception
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Costume Design
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland: Colleen Atwood
I Am Love: Antonella Cannarozzi
The King's Speech: Jenny Beavan
The Tempest: Sandy Powell
True Grit: Mary Zophres
Sandy Powell is one of the biggest guns in the costume designing world, so you can never really count her out. Having said that, Colleen Atwood is a worthy opponent (and she won the BAFTA) and her costumes really informed each character in Alice in Wonderland. The Academy’s love of period drama means The King’s Speech is the other major contender.

Who should win: Colleen Atwood – “Alice in Wonderland”
Who will win: Jenny Beavan – “The King’s Speech”

Best Achievement in Makeup
Nominees:
Barney's Version: Adrien Morot
The Way Back: Edouard F. Henriques, Greg Funk, Yolanda Toussieng
The Wolfman: Rick Baker, Dave Elsey
Explain to me how Alice In Wonderland gets a Costume nod but not a Makeup one? Rick Baker’s name carries so much cred with it that my vote automatically inches in his direction.

Who should win: The Wolfman
Who will win: The Wolfman

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Nominees:
127 Hours: A.R. Rahman
How to Train Your Dragon: John Powell
Inception: Hans Zimmer
The King's Speech: Alexandre Desplat
The Social Network: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross
Wanna know something cool? I saw a concert at Albert Hall in London last year where a bunch of fantastic film composers conducted their best-known pieces with the London Phil. And while that’s cool in itself, one of those pieces was John Powell’s How To Train Your Dragon, and he was soooooo excited. Whee! Also the music was great fun, so part of me wants to see him win, but I think the smart money is with The Social Network’s trippy scoring. Also the guy’s name is Atticus, and I think that deserves an award. The King’s Speech is strong competition.

Who should win: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – “The Social Network”
Who will win: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – “The Social Network”

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Nominees:
127 Hours: A.R. Rahman, Rollo Armstrong, Dido("If I Rise")
Country Strong: Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges("Coming Home")
Tangled: Alan Menken, Glenn Slater("I See the Light")
Toy Story 3: Randy Newman("We Belong Together")
Oh lord. He’s back. Randy Newman and his bloody Song. Eugh. (If you haven’t heard my rants on this subject, you’re obviously new. Email me. We’ll talk.) This category has gone rogue so many times it’s difficult to predict (see Hustle and Flow’s win for “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp”…I mean, seriously). I could pick Toy Story 3, but I’m not gonna. It’s a matter of principles. I’m going for Menken’s reputation. I didn’t love the song from Tangled, but then, as noted, the wrong song has won here more than once.

Who should win: A. R. Rahman, Rollo Armstrong, Dido – “If I Rise, from 127 Hours
Who will win: Alan Menken, Glenn Slater – “I See the Light”, from Tangled

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
Nominees:
Inception
The King's Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit
What do fantasy films do when they can’t win the creative awards? They win the technical awards, that’s what. So this I’m giving to Inception, with a possible upset from The King’s Speech.

Who should win: The King’s Speech
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Nominees:
Inception
Toy Story 3
TRON: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable
I’m going with Inception again, but I’ve been wrong before in these categories. I also believe that, because sound editing is pretty much all there is in an animated film, more animated movies should win this category.

Who should win: Toy Story 3
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2
Hello again, Mr Potter! Sit down, relax, you’re not going anywhere. The team from Inception, however, should get their speeches ready. To those who believe Alice in Wonderland should win, I say: Paris folding in on itself. Ba-dom dom.

Who should win: Inception
Who will win: Inception

Best Documentary, Features
Nominees:
Exit Through the Gift Shop
GasLand
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land
What do I really know about this – no, I haven’t as yet seen any of them. I hear great things about Restrepo, but both previous award ceremonies and the word on the street gives this to Inside Job.

Who should win: Exit Through the Gift Shop (because it’s BANKSY)
Who will win: Inside Job

Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Nominees:
Killing in the Name

Poster Girl
Strangers No More
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang
Even less known about this category. Eenie, meenie, mynee, mo…

Who should win: Killing in the Name
Who will win: Strangers No More

Best Short Film, Animated
Nominees:
Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let's Pollute
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, a Journey Diary
I loved “Day & Night”, as I love most Pixar shorts. A fantastic mixture of 3D and 2D animation, with a sweet little story. I think the recent proliferation of the Gruffalo (as witnessed, non-plussed, in children’s book-and-toystores), may upset my plans. Basically anything but Madagascar.

Who should win: Day & Night
Who will win: The Gruffalo

Best Short Film, Live Action
Nominees:
The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143
Catch a tiger by the toe….

In which the OBlogs are a bit scarce this year

Alternative Oscars haven't been around for a few years. A combination of dangerously low energy levels and lack of time have contributed to this being the only OBlog I've managed to churn out this year. Anyway, here they are.

Best performance by an inanimate object:
The boulder (127 Hours) – It's pretty big....I guess. Not as big as I was expecting, although I suppose it did the job…
The horcrux (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1) – almost drowns our hero and drives Ron out of the trio. It’s a lot of work for a bit of metal.
The spinning top (Inception) – never has such a small object sparked such a round of debate
The microphone (The King’s Speech) – managed to make it look looming and intimidating
The Harvard rule book (The Social Network) – ultimately useless, but it tries its honourable best
Rooster’s eye patch (True Grit) – he is WEARING that eye patch

Fictional location you’d most like to spend an afternoon:
The Mad Hatter’s tea party (Alice in Wonderland) – a little uncomfortable, maybe, and you’d have to change your seats every now and then, but you’d never be bored
The Future Room (Blue Valentine) – not, it turns out, all that romantic, but perhaps the future just isn’t like that
The tent (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1) – perhaps a bit short on entertainment, and a bit high on danger, but the company and locations would be pretty cool
Ken’s dressing room (Toy Story 3) – be honest, you’re dying to check out the rest of this wardrobe, this would be the most fun you’d have in an afternoon

Best one-liner:
“……..Timing is not my strong suit.” (The King’s Speech)
“I’m six foot five, 220 pounds, and there’s two of me” (The Social Network)
“No one appreciates clothes here, Barbie. No one!” – (Toy Story 3)

Transport of choice:
On pointe (Black Swan) – ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Your own small plane (The King’s Speech) – despite the inherent coolness of flying your own plane, I suspect my air sickness would limit any cool points
Long row boats (The Social Network) – put it this way, as long as you were in charge of steering, it’s a nice way to get around
Horses (True Grit) – I’m willing to accept that not everyone likes horses as much as me, even though I’m allergic…though I don’t suppose constant sneezing and antihistamines would fit in well in the old west. Still, considering the alternatives…

Best meal in a motion picture:
Urine and chocolate bars (127 Hours) – um…no.
“Eat me” cake and tea (Alice in Wonderland) – so long as you find the pot of tea without a dormouse in it
Nothing at all (Black Swan) – impossible. Utterly impossible.
Wine (The Kids Are All Right) – Annette Bening is a mean drunk
Vodka and Viagra (Love and Other Drugs) – hardly sustaining on a long-term basis…and now I’m regretting my choice of words

Beer and pizza (The Social Network) – not the healthiest of diets, but apparently it didn’t stunt anyone’s mental capabilities

Picks up next!

In which I find it difficult to find pictures of sound effects

After a rather elongated break, we're back in our seats and ready for the awards for Best Sound Editing. To present is Stephen Hawking. Some thing this is in bad taste, but Gil Cates is at That Point where he doesn't care anymore. And Mr Hawking is happy enough, so here we go:

Nominees are:

ET: The Extra-Terrestrial - Ben Burtt, Richard Anderson (Burtt is a bit of a sound legend when it comes to creating artificial voices, including the creatures in Star Wars and WALL*E...on the other hand, it was the elderly Ms Pat Welsh, smoker of two packs of cigarettes a day, who provided the voice for ET. Hmm.)

Back to the Future - Charles Campbell, Robert Rutledge (because who doesn't want to see this film up here. It's freaking awesome)

Jurassic Park - Gary Rydstrom, Richard Hymns (the amount of animal calls they recorded to get a brand new voice for the T-Rex and the raptors)

Saving Private Ryan - Gary Rydstrom, Richard Hymns (pew! pew! pew! KABOOM!)

The Incredibles - Michael Silvers and Randy Thom (I've always wanted an animated film to win this. Just seems natural)

And the winner is....Ben Burtt for ET! And yes, it's largely due to the trivia, which is fairly awesome. Adding to the voice of the title character were: Spielberg himself, Debra Winger, Burtt's wife, asleep and with a cold, racoons, sea otters and horses and his USC film professor's burp. Now, who wouldn't brag about that until their dying day? Anyway, Burtt gives a largely unintelligible speech, but one at which Chewbacca and Jabba the Hutt roar with laughter.

Next up is Best Sound, and I have to be honest, at this point the, er, impartial judges are getting a little overwhelmed, and I think the following award categories may suffer for it. Nevertheless...

The Sound Barrier, 1952 - London Films Sound Department (if I knew how to type a shrug, that's what you'd see here)

The Sound of Music, 1963 - James Corcoran etc. (lots of the musicals got nominations, and I figured, what with the titles and all that singing in high places....)

Apocalypse Now, 1979 - Walter Murch, Mark Berger, Richard Beggs, Nat Boxer (Walter Murch had about three months in which to get the sound done, a fact not made easier by the fact that the previously-planned narration had been dropped...pretty impressive to go from that to an Oscar. A huge achievement in surround sound development)

Apollo 13, 1995 - Rick Dior, Steve Pederson, Scott Millan and David MacMillan (it sounds like this: WHOOOOOOOOSHHHHH! BANGGGG!)

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, 2003 - Christopher Boyes, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek and Michael Semanick (clash! oof! thud! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to....Apocalypse Now! Walter Murch looks immensely tired and overworked, and can barely hold his award. He is, however, dragged off the stage before he can get too far into his speech to Francis Ford Coppola about how he's a horrible man who worked him into the ground with unreasonable timelines and lack of understanding...he really doesn't even get that far, but I'm filling in the blanks for you here.

Everyone manages to pat down their sweaty foreheads, as the final deadline looms before them, like a great looming thing...

Yeah. Like that.

OBlogs: In which Grace Kelly almost gets a drill through the neck

The producers have turned on the blessed, blessed air conditioning, and it's much more comfortable in the Kodak Theatre.

Anyway, John Hurt is presenting the award for Best Makeup, and this is because his film The Elephant Man was the reason for the creation of this award. And that's kind of special. The funny thing is that Alien, in which an alien burst out of John Hurt's chest in the cafeteria, was not nominated for this award. Swings and roundabouts.

Not nominated.

At any rate, the nominees are:

An American Werewolf in London, 1981 - Rick Baker (sort of a usual suspect when it comes to special makeup effects, Baker was also the first winner of this award, for, you know, turning someone into a werewolf)

Beetlejuice, 1988 - Ve Neill, Steve La Porte, Robert Short (bringing the mad, mad mind of Tim Burton to life)

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001 - Richard Taylor, Peter Owen (hobbits and elves and orcs! Oh my!)

Pan's Labyrinth, 2006 - David Marti and Montse Ribe (for the Pale Man, if nothing else, will become ingrained in your mind FOR EVER)

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, 2008 - Greg Cannom (making Brad Pitt very, very old, and then young and pretty again)

And the winner is...Pan's Labyrinth! You can tell that Rick Baker is a little crushed but up flashes a picture of the Pale Man and everyone murmurs assent while trying to look away discreetly, in hopes that they'll be able to get to sleep tonight.

A halt is called to proceedings as Rick Baker challenges David Marti and Montse Ribe to an on-stage paint-off! The challenge, to transform Nicole Kidman and Grace Kelly into grotesque versions of Freddy Kruger and Frankenstein's Monster, respectively. Baker is making headway on Kidman, but has run out of knives for her fingers and is badgering Cher for the razor blades attached to her headdress. Meanwhile, over at Kelly's station, she is WEARING those bolts, and Charlize Theron makes a note to accessorise this summer. It's all brought to a head when Kidman and Kelly, alarmed at the snowballing effect of their artists' one-up-manship, call a truce, and the Fantasy Oscar is cut down the middle and shared.

Billy Crystal flicks the lights on and off, calling for order, and everyone returns to their seats. Grace Kelly picks a stray bolt off her neck and Nicole Kidman performs a quick hairdo change.

Up next to present the award for Best Costume is Cher...which is a little awkward, yet sort of appropriate...Bjork is always there, but her swan dress is a little dwarfed by Cher's, er, ensemble...

Roman Holiday, 1953 - Edith Head (never has anyone looked as lovely as when dressed by Edith Head, the queen of old Hollywood glamour)

La Dolce Vita, 1961 - Piero Gherardi (iconic beauty and effortless style, and all of it in a fountain)

The Last Emperor, 1987 - James Acheson (an incredible feat of costume design, not the least because the Buddhist lamas could not be touched by women, and so extra male wardrobe hands had to be hired...)

Moulin Rouge!, 2001 - Catherine Martin (like a costume shop exploded! In a good way!)

Memoirs of a Geisha, 2005 - Colleen Atwood (recreating the fashion-heavy world of the Japanese Geisha)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to...Edith Head for Roman Holiday! YEAH! Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly (now devoid of bolts and green paint) and Bette Davis all leap to their feet to pay homage (in case you're wondering, they all look AWESOME, and stylistically are kicking the ass of Gwyneth, Halle and Angelina).

Nobody challenges Edith to a costume-duel. That, gentlemen, is how we do that.

OBlogs: In which ponies share a stage with Ah-nald for the first time ever.

Fred Astaire shoos the cabaret dancers off the stage and Ginger Rogers takes care of the ponies in tutus, wondering if it was worth the effort. A satisfied audience says yes.

Hell yes.

Moving on, Ah-nald is here to present the award for Best Visual Effects. He mentions that currently, one body part of his is, in fact, a visual effect of its own.

A brief murmur as everybody's thoughts plummet into the gutter for a moment.

Ho ho! It's his teeth! They're whitened!

Another brief pause as everyone thinks, in unison, "Yeah, RIGHT." There is, however, a smattering of laughter, because Ah-nald is still pretty massive.

See.

Side note: the trivia for visual effects is incredible. Pioneers you wouldn't expect, like Willow, which was the first film to use the morphing technique used to such, well, effect in T2 (below), and The Muppets Take Manhattan, which was the first to use green screen instead of blue! And Cliffhanger, which pioneered the digital "taking out" of suspension wires. Kind of integral, I suppose, given the subject matter.

Aaaaanyway. The nominees are...

Star Wars, 1977 - Pew! Pew! Pew! Lasers, everywhere!

Who Framed Roger Rabbit, 1988 - you think combining animation and real actors was easy? It wasn't.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991 - if you don't know why, you haven't seen the movie. You've also never seen any kind of documentary on visual effects. It isn't because of Ah-nald.

Jurassic Park, 1993 - It's totally not my fault that all these films are relatively recent. This award didn't even exist until 1963 (in which, I'm appalled to see, Jason and the Argonauts didn't even get nominated!). Anyway. Dinosaurs. Nuff said.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002 - once again due largely to animation of a character, but in this case Gollum is ALWAYS an effect. Also the battle of Helm's Deep was sort of beyond cool.

And the winner is...

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers!!! (I must say, it's getting REALLY hard for the jury to make these decisions) But hurrah! All the little Weta people (apparently the staff of Weta Digital was doubled for the purpose of this film...there are a LOT of people on stage) file up with jollility to receive the award, because this is the Fantasy Oscars and EVERYONE gets an award! Ah-nald is no match for their numbers, and in seconds they swarm and he is seen no more. Never mind, though, because they're all so happy! Wheee!

Who would you say, at this point, is the person best suited to present the award for Best Editing? I'm going to go with Irony Lives Here, so out walks Warren Beatty and Gwyneth Paltrow, who represent people who could use a little editing when they start to speak.

Nominees...

(I'm explaining away the arbitrary nature of these picks by the fact that this portion of the ballot sheet was sort of fuzzy, owing to a shoddy refilling of printer ink. Which was also not my fault.)

From Here to Eternity, 1953 - William A. Lyon (someone had to say when to cut that little clinch on the beach...just kidding. It's probably more to do with the Pearl Harbour attack)

Lawrence of Arabia, 1962 - Anne V. Coates (the opening sequence, in which we fade from the burning match in Lawrence's hand to the burning Arabian sun. That's why.)

Raging Bull, 1980 - Thelma Schoonmaker (everyone likes a boxing match, but nobody edits one like Thelma Schoonmaker)

Saving Private Ryan, 1998 - Michael Kahn (bullets, hand-held cameras, explosions, death, blood, intestines...put it this way, this sequence could have been a LOT longer and less intense)

Slumdog Millionaire, 2008 - Chris Dickens (just one of the things it did really, really well)

The winner is Raging Bull! Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci and Martin Scorsese carry Ms Schoonmaker up onto the stage, making for a somewhat lopsided journey. She is gracious and eloquent in her speech, and there is nothing in it that doesn't need to be there. She's a pro.

Chocolate break!

OBlogs: In which I have nothing whatsoever to do with the voting. Honest.

Backstage there is a brief tussle between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton over who is going to do the talking. As always, Liz wins, and steps out to great applause, flashing her violet eyes before presenting the award for Best Art Direction. The size of the diamond in her ring seems to be weighing her down and the end of her dress still hasn't made it onto the stage. Luckily husbands one through six are there to hold the train.

(not that sort of train)

At any rate, the nominees are:

Ben-Hur, 1959 - Chariots! Slaves! Lepers! Jesus! But in terms of art direction it's really the chariots that people focus on, most notably THE chariot race, which is still kicking the ass of action sequences in the 21st century.

Gone With the Wind, 1939 - It's BIG. Not, clearly, as big as the previous film (what is?) but sizeable, nonetheless. And quite an undertaking. It's about a spoiled young lady in the South during the Civil War. I believe there's also some fighting and whinging and burning of buildings. It's a hazy memory - I mean, four hours.

Cleopatra, 1963 - This particular film has 10 art directors. Seems somewhat overqualified for its nomination here. Anyway. Ancient Rome and Egypt, Cleopatra arrives, Cesar murdered, widow Cleopatra shacks up with his killer, things go badly, lots of death.

Titanic, 1997 - Yet another enormous film. Two star-crossed lovers meet on the ill-fated steamer Titanic, and they're just getting things together when that pesky ice berg shows up...

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, 2003 - Can't help but notice we could've done with a little, well-decorated movie in here. But there are only five spaces and who am I to judge? Upon the showing of the film's clip, David Lean is seen to spend several minutes with his mouth hanging open.

The Sting, 1973 - Ha! An extra spot! Yes, two grifters in the jazz age of the 1930s set up the best long con ever set to ragtime music. (Awesome bit of trivia I just found: Robert Shaw's limp is completely authentic, having injured himself -- wait for it -- playing handball. Now THERE's a story in need of telling)

Burton is allowed his only line: "And the winner is..."

BEN-HUR! You've never seen so many angry art directors in a room before, sketching elaborate hang-man nooses and pointing from them to the winners, and it becomes apparent to the producers that shutting these creative and rather competitive people in a room together may not have been the best idea. Still, the crew from Ben-Hur are pretty stoked, and quite frankly at some point most everyone will acknowledge (albeit grudgingly) that they deserve it. Probably.

Everyone's had a chance to rearrange the seating plan while they wait for the train of Elizabeth Taylor's dress to disappear back stage. Poor little Haley Joel Osment is stuck between Jack Nicholson and Mickey Rourke. Terrified. Glancing frantically towards the exits.

The producers have done a little rearranging of the presenters and decided the best bet at this moment is to send out Aishwarya Rai and Sean Connery. It works, and everyone stops bickering to stare at the pretty people.

(Hello!)

The nominees for Best Cinematography are...

A Midsummernight's Dream, 1935 - Hal Mohr (turns out his main contribution was to spraypaint the trees in the film orange. Guess you had to be there. Mohr was not actually nominated, but won on account of the number of write-in campaign votes from grass-roots supporters. Somewhat awkwardly, the Academy decided they would no longer accept write-in votes after this year. Heh.)

Lawrence of Arabia, 1962 - Freddie Young (Lawrence's attempts to regain some of the Arab peoples' homeland. A tiny caption for an enormous film. The best scene being Omar Sharif's entrance, as it would be for any film Sharif is in)

Barry Lyndon, 1975 - John Alcott (one of the most innovatively shot films in movie history, and the applause for Alcott is pretty loud)

Schindler's List, 1993 - Janusz Kaminski (the decision to film in black and white meant that the crew, from costumers to art directors to cinematographers, had to re-learn everything they had learned in colour. Meanwhile Spielberg found his own shooting style by cutting back on big budget cranes and camera equipment.

Road to Perdition, 2002 - Conrad L. Hall (Goodness me! Who knew? Veteran cinematographer Hall shoots his final film in the style of an Edward Hopper painting, picking out some colours and desaturating others to evoke the depression era)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to...

It's a TIE! ANOTHER TIE! Oh yes, this award goes to both John Alcott for Barry Lyndon and Conrad L. Hall for Road to Perdition (I swear! It just happened like that! I had nothing to do with it!). These two gentlemen get a standing ovation (why are cinematographers so much better-behaved than art directors and animators?) and they pay respects to each other in their speeches. Hall also tips his hat to Irmin Roberts, the inventor of the dolly zoom, better known as the "Vertigo effect", while Alcott thanks the directors who gave him his chances behind the camera, and especially Stanley Kubrick.

Leaving things on that happy note, it's time for a musical number. It is not Rob Lowe, and for that we are all thankful.

OBlogs: In which Chuck Norris settles everyone down

As the kerfuffle over by the animators dies down, Donald O'Connor does a little fancy footwork to get our attention, while Jack Nicholson gives an ear-splitting whistle, which shuts everyone up. Here to present the award for Best Documentary Short Subject is Michael Moore. He has a few things to say about various political administrations (the Bush, Johnson, Nixon and Harding administrations feature heavily), and it's only when George C. Scott strides onto the stage to wrest the microphone out of Moore's hand that the cheers start from the audience:

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Chuck Norris has it all in hand, though, and has only to stroll across the stage to frighten Moore into submission and cause Scott to reconsider his pundit. Order is restored.

The nominees are.

Thoth!, 2001 - Sarah Kernochan (chronicling the life and performances of New York artist S.K. Thoth, who does his thing with a violin, bells and a gold loin cloth)

Kokoda Front Line!, 1942 - Australian News and Information Bureau (a camera record of the bravery and fortitude of Australian armed forces in New Guinea during the War)

If You Love this Planet, 1982 - Edward Le Lorrain and Terri Nash (a lecture on the dangers of nuclear proliferation, given at the height of the Cold War)

Donald In Mathmagic Land, 1959 - Walt Disney (yes, it's animated, but it's also a tour through the magical world of maths, given by none other than Donald Duck. It is. Fantastic.)

Chuck Norris tears open the envelope with his teeth. Hell, the envelope FALLS APART at the sight of Chuck Norris's teeth. And the winner is...

Chuck Norris! But also Kokoda Front Line! An extremely ocker speech follows, with lots of strewths, bloody hells and strike me roans! Basically, Alf Stewart thanks the Academy.

At any rate, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are on hand to present the award for Best Documentary Feature. With a wary eye on Chuck, who stands waiting in the wings for any unnecessary grandstanding, the two make it a classy introduction, while still outlining the importance of the documentary for shining a light on real and sometimes urgent issues.

The nominees are:

Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt, 1989 - (telling the stories of those who contributed to the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, made as a memorial to those who have lost their lives to AIDS-related illness)

Who Are the DeBolts? And Where Did They Get Nineteen Kids?, 1977 - (ok, maybe it was put here because of the awesome title, but it's still a good tale about a couple who on top of their five biological children adopted 14 more, most of whom were disabled war orphans. And after the film was made they adopted TEN MORE. Take THAT, Angelina)
An Inconvenient Truth, 2006 - David Guggenheim (detailing the efforts of Al Gore to convey the urgency of global warming and what it means for our planet)

Taxi to the Dark Side, 2007 - Alex Gibney and Eva Orner (telling the story of a young Afghani taxi driver who was beaten to death while being held by American soldiers)

Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport, 2000 - Mark Jonathan Harris and Deborah Oppenheimer (the story of the kinderstransport, an underground railway used to save the lives of over 10,000 Jewish children during the holocaust)

And the winner is (while I pause to wonder why the HECK David Attenborough has never been nominated for this kind of thing) a TIE!! Between An Inconvenient Truth AND Taxi to the Dark Side. There is some time spent at the microphone in polite demurs as each winner asks the other to go first. Eventually, though, they thank the Fantasy Academy and those who have seen their films, noting that it is the uncomfortable (inconvenient, if you will) truths which are in most need of documentation.

Now that the Feature men and women have calmed things down, everyone takes a breather, as Chuck Norris comes back on stage to flex his muscles for the enjoyment of the crowd while Judi Dench and Morgan Freeman narrate some Chuck Norris Facts.

(my favourite is the one about the periodic table)

Quote of the day:

"It's important to rescue the frog."

Al Gore - An Inconvenient Truth