A few alternative Oscars to tide you over

Some fun alternatives with which to while away the media blackout:

Best achievement against typecasting: Sean Bean, for not dying at the end of The Martian

Let's face it, it's been a tough career. From Patriot Games to The Lord of the Rings to Game of Thrones, we were starting to worry that The Martian wasn't going to be a comedy after all! But just when you think you know this actor, he surprises you. And survives until the end credits. Phew!



The Liam Neeson award for being Liam Neeson: Liam Neeson, Run all night

Yes, the one thing you can always count on from Liam Neeson, and that's Being Liam Neeson, which isn't something anyone else can just do.




Best one-liner:

Star Wars: The Force Awakens: “Chewie, we’re home”

The Big Short: “Now here’s Margot Robbie in a bubble bath to explain.”

The Martian: “I’m going to have to science the shit out of this”

Bridge of Spies: “Would it help?”

Inside Out: “Congratulations, San Francisco, you have ruined pizza!”

 

They're all awesome, really. Five-way tie!

Biggest "Oh please" moment: The Martian: NASA televises a rescue mission live

Seriously. Seriously. In what universe? NASA doesn't even allow its astronauts to SWEAR on live TV, let alone risk its entire future funding by allowing the world to watch how the sausage gets made! GAAAAAAAAH!

Michael Fassbender award for ubiquitousness in film:

Domhnall Gleeson in: Brooklyn, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Ex Machina, The Revenant

Alicia Vikander in: Ex Machina, Ingrid Bergman, The Man from U.N.C.L.E, Burnt, The Danish Girl

I'm giving it to Domhnall Gleeson, because they're some quality movies. Also because I still couldn't really pick Vikander out of a line-up.


Best performance by a landscape: Canada and Argentina, for their breathtaking dual performances of Montana in The Revenant



Best mode of transport

Whatever the heck those were in Mad Max: Fury Road

Horse, river and fingertips, The Revenant

TIE fighters, Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Pumpkin carriage, Cinderella

Pumpkin carriage!!!!! It's appealing, it's comfortable, it's sparkly, and it doesn't have the propensity to burst into flames that so many of the others do. (Extra nerd points to me for finding out that TIE stands for "Twin-Ion Engine")

 
Best meal in a movie

Raw bison liver, The Revenant

Instant muffin, Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Hot dogs, Spotlight

Potatoes, The Martian

Ok, that bison liver took guts. So to speak. And potatoes are universally awesome. But I've got to give it to J.J. Abrahms for that muffin. Now that's cooking.