In Which I Can't Believe It's Oscar Time Again

Hello Oscar people!

I had big plans this year--well, plans--to do a proper lead-up-to-the-oscars blog, but Life, that pesky, addictive habit, got in the way. So as a means of entertaining you a little before I send through my picks for this year, here are my Oscar Beanie alternative Oscar nominations and winners. No waiting!

On that, for those who do not understand what I mean about Oscar Beanies, because it's been a while, they are so named because they are my favourite piece of winter clothing (the possible TV offshoot of these awards would probably be called the Mittens). One day I imagine a little gold beanie statue with a pompom on top being presented to proud recipients.

Also, please bear in mind that I haven't seen ALL the movies ever. Including Skyfall. I know, I know, I'm getting to it!

Anyway, here are this year's Beanie nominees:

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object in a Motion Picture

The homemade clan hoods—Django Unchained (it’s the effort that counts)

The silver candlesticks—Les Miserables (guilt in corporeal form)

Pi’s raft—Life of Pi (hardest working raft in showbiz)

These are his ANGRY eyes

Winner: Les Miserables. Because they drove the entire story. And because I felt bad for thinking of nominating Keira Knightly for Anna Karenina.

Best Folicular Performance in a Motion Picture

Christoph Waltz’s beard—Django Unchained (just plain impressive)

Anne Hathaway’s haircut—Les Miserables (of the minimalist design)

James Spader’s mustache—Lincoln (changing an entire face and looking awesome)

Tommy Lee Jones’s wig—Lincoln (mostly for what it covered)

Quvenzhane Wallis’s ‘fro—Beasts of the Southern Wild (whee!)

Wheee!

Winner: Beasts of the Southern Wild. Because WHEE, that’s why!

Best Performance by an Animal in a Supporting Role

Richard Parker—Life of Pi (for blurring the lines between CGI and real life and for expressing a heck of a lot with one unblinking glare)

The Aurochs—Beast of the Southern Wild (they sure came a long way for that payoff)

Tom Waits’s rabbit—Seven Psychopaths (managing to be menacing simply by not having a point to being there)

The salmon—Salmon Fishing In the Yemen (swim away! Swim away!)

MY fish.

Winner: Life of Pi. Because you don’t want to piss of that tiger.

Best single line of dialogue

Alan Arkin: ‘Argofuckyourself.’—Argo

Quvenzhane Wallis: ‘Once there was a Hushpuppy, and she lived with her daddy in the Bathtub.’—Beasts of the Southern Wild

Jennifer Lawrence: ‘You say more inappropriate things than appropriate things!’—The Silver Linings Playbook

Dev Patel: ‘Everything will be all right in the end, so if it is not all right it is not yet the end.’—The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

CHEERS!

Winner: Argofuckyourself. Because it’s so damn fun to say.

The Viggo Mortensen Award for Best Entrance

John Goodman—Flight (also a contender for the Rocky Award for Working That Music)

Leonardo DiCaprio—Django Unchained (ahh, the smiling malevolence)

Ian McKellen—The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Jackson knows his entrances)

He's on the list.

Winner: Flight. Because everyone who has ever wanted to stomp their stuff down a hallway has wanted to pull this kind of thing off.

Achievement in Gratuitous Violence

The last 30 minutes—Django Unchained

Welcome to Candieland—Django Unchained

Revolutionary French dentistry—Les Miserables

The opening 30 minutes—Zero Dark Thirty

Seriously, Quentin, calm the F*^& down!

Winner: Django Unchained, the last 30 minutes. Because it SO didn’t need to be there.

Best Meal in a Motion Picture

Raisin Bran and tea—The Silver Linings Playbook (because it’s not a date)

Bilbo Baggins’ entire larder—The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (stomachs all over the cinema world rumbled)

Cocaine, orange juice and gin—Flight (for that get up and go!)

Fish, fish and more fish—Life of Pi (soo much fish)

The dwarf eating some kind of greenery is about to be bitch-slapped.

Winner: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Because did you SEE the stuff he had in there?

Stay tuned for full Oscar picks!

OSCARS! or In the Nick of Time!

Good morning Oblog readers!

Well, with a Hurculean effort I managed to finally see FIVE of the best picture nominees… FIVE! That…doesn’t sound as impressive as it did in my head. But consider that I had to watch one of those in 3D. Ugh. Let’s get that out of the way: not being shown anywhere in 2D where I live, I chanced Hugo in 3D, and wow, was I right in hating the medium. (Here comes the rant…) It forces the viewer to concentrate so hard on the different levels of focus that the amount of attention and focus said viewer can focus on the story unfolding in front of them is diminished. For this reason, and for the headache that followed, I couldn’t love Hugo as much as I might have, though it was, otherwise, a sweet and pretty touching story.

The Help was a great story, well told and VERY well acted, and while I would have liked more
praise going towards the marvellous Allison Janney and the exquisite Thomas Newman, I agree with its nomination here.

Same with The Descendants, although I’m not sure I would call it Clooney’s best ever performance. It was a great script, and some standout performances, especially by Shailene Woodley, but will I remember it in ten years?

War Horse made me bawl like a little bebbe, because the next worst thing than dogs dying on
screen is horses dying on screen. I loved the structure of the vignettes and the quality of the light the cinematographer used. I actually thought this movie was better than the critics purported. I heard people say things like “it doesn’t do anything new,” but what does that even MEAN? Does every Spielberg movie have to have dinosaurs in it to deserve accolades? Sucks for him.

Anyway, this brings us to the last film: The Artist. I just…loved. It. Utterly, utterly charming and beautiful, with a great premise and fascinating execution. And the leads were incredible. While the whole silence thing can be a little confronting to begin with, it is completely worth hanging in there. Plus, I mean, have you heard about this dog? There was one moment where I could almost
hear his voice, I swear.

Anyway, these are the best pic nominees about which I feel I have a bit of authority. For the rest, it’s back to the old standby: winging it.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse

The Artist has been winning EVERYTHING, which doesn’t always indicate a lock, but in this case the hype is justified, and Hollywood really seems to be embracing this non-conventional film. Hugo is probably the next runner up, although my dislike of 3D may have something to do with my lack of enthusiasm. Extremely Loud… is way too much of a surprise to everyone (and not in a good way) to do any big damage, and Midnight in Paris is going to be recognised in the writing category. Hugo is a great fable, and well-created, but there’s just something about The Artist… The Help is a dark horse, and depends on the Academy’s mood at the time. The Descendants is also putting up a good fight, but I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for a little good old-fashioned storytelling.

Who SHOULD win: The Artist
Who WILL win: The Artist

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Demián Bichir for A Better Life
George Clooney for The Descendants
Jean Dujardin for The Artist
Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt for Moneyball

A lot of critics are calling Clooney’s role in The Descendants his career best, which is kind of offensive, given his age—sorry, Mr Clooney, that’s as good as you’re going to get. Dujardin has the SAG award in his pocket, which is a good indicator for the Oscars, and this would mark the first time a French actor has won this award, which could be either good or bad for his chances. Gary Oldman has his first nomination, and boy howdy, he does well, but I think the film and his performance came out too late in the USA for the required buzz to generate. All reports indicate that Brad Pitt is doing great work in Moneyball, but as I haven’t seen it, I’ll have to take their word for it. I know absolutely nothing about Demian Bichir, so…sorry about that. I’m going with Dujardin, because his performance demanded more of him, I think. Once the words are taken away there is only the actor, his face and his performance, and his was fantastic.

Who SHOULD win: Jean Dujardin for The Artist
Who WILL win: Jean Dujardin for The Artist

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Glenn Close for Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis for The Help
Rooney Mara for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn

A good year for female roles, this year. The competition here is between Davis, Streep and
Williams, and it’s kind of difficult to see which way the tide is turning. At the moment, I believe Davis is getting the most hype, and she gave a very good performance, so that’s ok. The fact that Streep’s performance was the best thing about her movie might be working against her, but she pulled off Margaret Thatcher with the kind of aplomb and talent we have come to expect of her. Part of me would really like her to get this, just because she’s so darn good at what she does. Michelle Williams is my pick for best performance this year—while I SO do not agree with the people who say she was a dead ringer for Monroe (she just ISN’T. Deal.) she does get her mannerisms, physicality and vulnerability down pat. My senses waver hourly between Davis and Streep…

Who SHOULD win: Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn
Who WILL win: Viola Davis, The Help

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Kenneth Branagh for My Week with Marilyn
Jonah Hill for Moneyball
Nick Nolte for Warrior
Christopher Plummer for Beginners
Max von Sydow for Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Right, so I’m only 2/5 in this category, but even I know that Christopher Plummer has this one in the bag. I did see Beginners, actually, and while it wasn’t the broad comedy the poster suggested it was, it was an interesting look into a young man’s attempts to live his life. Plummer is good, very good, and I do sort of love him, but I was possibly a little more impressed by Branagh’s take on Olivier. Such suppressed frustration and rage hidden beneath Good English Manners and a Desire to Sleep with the Leading Lady, with an overriding sense of worth and talent to round it off. I don’t think Branagh will get it, and in fact von Sydow and Nolte are closer bets if anyone is going to upset Plummer’s race. PS, I can’t quite accept that Hill is now an Oscar nominee. Ugh.

Who SHOULD win: Kenneth Branagh for My Week with Marilyn
Who WILL win: Christopher Plummer for Beginners

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Bérénice Bejo for The Artist
Jessica Chastain for The Help
Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer for Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer for The Help

I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy ever since Gilmore Girls, and I haven’t seen Bridesmaids, but having had some of her role described to me I’m just not sure about her here. Ah well. Bejo was lovely in The Artist, and can’t really be discounted, even though she's clearly a lead, not a support, but Spencer pretty much has this one wrapped up. While Chastain really impressed me in The Help, the indicators show that this is Spencer’s to lose.

Who SHOULD win: Jessica Chastain, The Help
Who WILL win: Octavia Spencer, The Help

Best Achievement in Directing
Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris
Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist
Terrence Malick for The Tree of Life
Alexander Payne for The Descendants
Martin Scorsese for Hugo

Interesting group. Malick has been receiving a bunch of critical acclaim for his film, but I think he’s always going to be a bit out there for the Academy, not in the same sense as Brokeback Mountain, but more in the We Know it’s Great, But We’re Not Sure We Understand It sense. Apparently Midnight… is Woody Allen’s best work in a while, and the Academy loves Alexander Payne, but I think it’s between Scorsese and Hazanavicius. Scorsese got the Globe, but Hazanavicius got the DGA award. Hmm. It may be no surprise to those who have read this far, but I’m going for The Artist.

Who SHOULD win: Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist
Who WILL win: Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
The Artist: Michel Hazanavicius
Bridesmaids: Kristen Wiig, Annie Mumolo
Margin Call: J.C. Chandor
Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen
A Separation: Asghar Farhadi

This belongs to Woody Allen, I think, because he won’t win the Director award, and also because, you know, it’s a great script, and when Woody is on form, he’s REALLY on form. The Artist has a great directorial, as opposed to dialogue-heavy script, and the fact that A Separation is here
means it’s really deserving—they don’t tend to hand out nominations to foreign films lightly.

Who SHOULD win: Woody Allen, for Midnight in Paris
Who WILL win: Woody Allen, for Midnight in Paris

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
The Descendants: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash
Hugo: John Logan
The Ides of March: George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon
Moneyball: Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, Stan Chervin
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: Bridget O'Connor, Peter Straughan

Clooney and Heslov make a great writing team, and I couldn’t love Aaron Sorkin more, but I suspect this will be a win for The Descendants. It is a touching, subtle and nuanced script, so I salute it. Tinker Tailor has a great script, based on what is apparently a great book, and otherwise Hugo is a charming tale (it’s hard to put that in print without sounding condescending), so it’s not all over. We’ll see what the Fat Lady does.

Who SHOULD win: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash for The Descendants
Who WILL win: Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash for The Descendants

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

I’ve seen exactly one of these, and while I’m still wondering where the HECK The Adventures of Tintin is (I mean…SERIOUSLY? It’s all because they don’t know what to do with computer animation, not feeling comfortable placing it in the live action categories (more on that later) and somehow not sure it’s still animation…I mean, KIDS could make this decision) I’m pretty confident in Rango getting this. It was a surprisingly funny movie, really well voiced and with some of the ugliest animated animals you’ve ever seen. Meanwhile, Pixar completely stuffed up with the lacklustre Cars 2, the mediocrity of which could have been foreseen by anyone who saw Cars, although I know a bunch of kids who loved both of them, so who’s to judge? Unfortunately, the Academy is. So long, Pixar. If not Rango, then one of the random top two films. (Side note: I have had to convince far too many people of the fact that just because it’s a kid’s movie, no, the Muppets are not cartoons. Come on, people. Plug in.)

Who SHOULD win: Rango
Who WILL win: Rango

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Bullhead (Belgium)
Footnote (Israel)
In Darkness (Poland)
Monsieur Lazhar (Canada)
A Separation (Iran)

I’m afraid I’m following my usual crappy track with watching foreign films, so all I have to report here is what I’ve heard. And so, I bring you, A Separation.

Who SHOULD win: A Separation
Who WILL win: A Separation

Best Achievement in Cinematography
The Artist: Guillaume Schiffman
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Jeff Cronenweth
Hugo: Robert Richardson
The Tree of Life: Emmanuel Lubezki
War Horse: Janusz Kaminski

I know I’m talking a lot about giving awards to console people for losing other awards, but…well that’s just the way things are. And so, The Tree of Life may just win something here, having done well at the Cinematographer’s Guild Awards. Meanwhile, the light Kaminski used in War Horse was beautiful—starting off gentle and golden in the fields of Devon, moving to the gloom of war and back to the never-the-same blood-red sunset of the end. Just lovely. The Artist had fantastic technique, using a film speed that would give them the slightly jerky, quick quality of black and white films of the 20s and 30s. And some people really seem to like Hugo, and if I hadn’t been fighting the third dimension I might have been able to marvel more at that. Um…

Who SHOULD win: The Artist
Who WILL win: The Tree of Life


Best Achievement in Editing
The Artist: Anne-Sophie Bion, Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants: Kevin Tent
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: Angus Wall, Kirk Baxter
Hugo: Thelma Schoonmaker
Moneyball: Christopher Tellefsen

The Academy has a history of really liking action movie editing, so there’s a possibility that Tattoo will get this. I acknowledge that Hugo would have had a big job editing around and sliding in and out of CGI and live shots. I love Thelma, but I’m pulling for The Artist here. Flawless.

Who SHOULD win: The Artist
Who WILL win: The Artist

Best Achievement in Art Direction
The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

Hurrah for Harry Potter! Having said that, I think Hugo might have this, although you can’t really ever discount the power of a period film like War Horse. But sets like Hugo’s bookshop and the inner workings of the clock towers are just so detailed and warm and encompassing. I still love The Artist.

Who SHOULD win: Hugo
Who WILL win: Hugo

Best Achievement in Costume Design
Anonymous: Lisy Christl
The Artist: Mark Bridges
Hugo: Sandy Powell
Jane Eyre: Michael O'Connor
W.E.: Arianne Phillips

I wonder if Sandy Powell is just over the whole Oscar thing. Last time she used her speech to
direct people’s attention to all the contemporary films whose costume designers are artists and yet go unrecognised due to corset-shortage (Her quote: “Um…I already have two of these…”). Unfortunately, no one at the academy was listening, and so here we are. The costumes in Hugo were great, and Powell is a power player in this category (as opposed to the Sound Mixing category, where she is a dismal failure). The Artist had some fantastic pieces, and really set the mood and ambience of Hollywood’s early years. Unsurprisingly, I am not pulling for a film by
Madonna.

Who SHOULD win: The Artist
Who WILL win: Hugo

Best Achievement in Makeup
Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
The Iron Lady

Meryl Streep becomes Margaret Thatcher and then OLD Margaret Thatcher. Glenn Close becomes a man. And Ciaran Hinds becomes someone who looks enough like Dumbledore to have been his brother. Which doesn’t sound as impressive as it really is, and in fact it used incredible advances in makeup. And so despite the trend seeming to go with The Iron Lady, I’m voting for Harry.

Who SHOULD win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Who WILL win: Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
The Adventures of Tintin: John Williams
The Artist: Ludovic Bource
Hugo: Howard Shore
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: Alberto Iglesias
War Horse: John Williams

As the Academy continues to snub Thomas Newman... The score for Tinker Tailor was evocative and uncomfortable and tense, and completely fit the movie, and Williams and Shore are established BIG score composers (War Horse was especially good, and didn’t overpower the movie, like some of Williams’ big scores have done). The Artist was heavily influenced by the silent movie scores of early Hollywood, and was for the most part the only sound and pseudo-dialogue. If Williams hadn’t split his own vote I might have thought he’d finally get another one.

Who SHOULD win: Ludovic Bource for The Artist
Who WILL win: Ludovic Bource for The Artist

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
The Muppets: Bret McKenzie("Man or Muppet")
Rio: Sergio Mendes, Carlinhos Brown, Siedah Garrett("Real in Rio")

I can’t believe these are the ONLY two songs they could come up with. But being a fan of Conchords and also, obviously, Muppets, I’m going to give it to them. Meanwhile, PLEASE Google the fake Randy Newman original song for We Need To Talk About Kevin. It is gold. Pure, solid gold.

Who SHOULD win: “Man or Muppet” by Bret McKenzie, from The Muppets
Who WILL win: “Man or Muppet” by Bret McKenzie, from The Muppets

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

I’ve only seen Hugo and War Horse, I’m afraid, but I did note the use of sound in the latter, at least, which was very effective. I’m giving it to Hugo because of its plethora of nominations, and because I think it will get the following award.

Who SHOULD win: War Horse
Who WILL win: Hugo

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Drive
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

Hugo has the best chance here, but I can never predict how they’re going to treat action movies
like Transformers and Tattoo—I thought Black Hawk Down had rubbish sound, and look what happened there? I think the matching of sound to the many computer-generated images will tip
the scales in Hugo’s favour.

Who SHOULD win: Hugo
Who WILL win: Hugo

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Here comes another rant. Andy Serkis is pretty much known as the go-to-guy for motion capture
acting. It was bad enough they didn’t really consider Gollum, but we can look past that because it was so new. Here, however, he’s put in a really touching performance (far more likeable than any of the other actors), and because technology has enhanced his image the Academy doesn’t know what to do with him. The SAG awards gave him an acting nomination. It’s not just the effect. End of rant. So. Let’s face it, I’d love Harry Potter to win just about everything. And it’s difficult to ignore dancing fighting robots. But then there’s the aforementioned Serkis and those damned,
dirty apes…

Who SHOULD win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Who WILL win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Best Documentary, Features
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

Oh who knows? WHO? It’s time to play Fun With Titles! Is anyone else amused by the acronym ELF?

Who SHOULD win: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory (because lord knows, what that poem needed was two sequels…)
Who WILL win: Undefeated

Best Documentary, Short Subjects
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

Saving Face, I have just discovered, is about the lives of women who are victims of acid attacks in Pakistan, which are apparently not that rare. Jeebus. Tsunami is, unfortunately, pretty much what it says on the tin. Not happy chaps here in Documentary land.

Who SHOULD win: God is the Bigger Elvis
Who WILL win: Saving Face

Best Short Film, Animated
Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

A little firmer ground here. La Luna is Pixar’s offering, and they’re just awesome, although not
outright winners in this category, if history is anything to go by. A Morning Stroll contains both a chicken and a zombie, which is always reason enough for me, but the best title and best story line
(involving a magical tale of worlds within books) goes to The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore.

Who SHOULD win: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore
Who WILL win: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore

Best Short Film, Live Action
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

Is it too much to hope that The Shore is Jersey-related? Yes? But it has Ciaran Hinds in it!
Dumbledore’s brother! Still, Tuba Atlantic has my vote here. Why? Because it’s about a man who, in his final days, finds as many creative ways as possible to kill the seagulls that swarm over his house. Seriously.

Who SHOULD win: Tuba Atlantic
Who WILL win: The Shore

Well, in the words of Shakespeare (or was it Bugs Bunny?) that's all folks! Happy tipping!

Oscars! Now with 100% more Billy!

It's that time of year again, but better! The pictures are fantastic, Billy Crystal is hosting again and I've finally managed to write these OBlogs. So here goes!

Best performance by an animal in a motion picture
Hundreds! Thousands! There were…okay, there were about five, but still! Look at all the animal parts in the movies this year!

Uggie, in The Artist: Oh my, what an adorable creature. Not only is he wicked smart, but he was saved from a trip to the pound by a trainer who then put him in this movie. Best moment: he part where Uggie begs his owner not to kill himself…I swear I could almost hear him pleading. Wah.
Joey, in War Horse: Gosh, and here I’ve used up my “Wah” in the previous entry. Could not. Stop. Crying. Best moment: the frantic race through the trenches, only to end up covered in barbed wire in No Man’s Land. Oh gosh, I’ve got something in my eye…
Arthur, in Beginners: Poor little bugger’s owner died, leaving him a bit confused and VERY neurotic, to the point that he just could NOT be left alone in the house. Best moment: having a heart to heart with Ewan McGregor about how he needs to learn to talk.
Koko, in Red Dog: How much did everyone just want to own a red dog after this? He certainly put up with a heck of a lot of red dust makeup, but Koko’s expressions were what sold him in this film, and what had everyone invested in his fate. Best moment: his entrance, sitting in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a lift.

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…Uggie, because he seemed to be really acting.

Best performance by an inanimate object
The key, Hugo: which brought together such disparate people and gave life to an automaton.
Chocolate pie, The Help: because you’ll never look at one in the same way again.
The chess pieces, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy: because of the way they moved around the board
The Boer War pennant, War Horse: because I AM NOT CRYING, that’s why!

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…Mini’s chocolate pie. Because never has the appearance of a pastry meant so much.

Best form of transport in a motion picture
Motorcycle, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: certainly a cool way to get around, but then my memory is that it doesn’t turn out to be particularly safe…
Apparition, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2: quick, neat, but with the possibility of splinching if you’re not paying attention.
Horse, War Horse: an excellent way to start out, but what about at the end of the day, when you
just can’t feel your bum?
Private car, The Artist and The Iron Lady: probably best in the first instance, because in one case you are being driven by the farmer guy from Babe, and in the other you are being followed by angry, angry mobs.

And the Oscar Beanie goes to… Apparition. It’s the fact that it’s instantaneous, and I hate traffic. I promise I’ll pay attention!

Best one-liner
“Perfect! Can you give me one more?” From The Artist
“Elizabeth is dying. Wait... Fuck you! And she's dying.” From The Descendants
“Fried chicken just tend to make you feel better about life.” From The Help
“Marilyn, my darling, you are an angel and I kiss the hem of your garment but why can't you get here on time for the love of FUCK?” From My Week With Marilyn

And the Oscar Beanie goes to…The Artist. A little goes a long way.

In which I give my picks for Oscars 2011

VS

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Nominees:
127 Hours
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids Are All Right
The King's Speech
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone
It’s always nice, in these days of ten nominees, that the Academy members haven’t lost their minds and included one of the Twilight movies. This award will be fought out between The Social Network and The King’s Speech, and though I wouldn’t be disappointed with either winning, and I still don’t think it’s a lock, it’s looking like the King’s Speech will edge out a win. I’m picking the Social Network as my “should” win because it really blew me away. Darkest of dark chances that Inception will take everyone by surprise and get the Golden Dude.

Who should win: The Social Network
Who will win: The King’s Speech

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Nominees:
Javier Bardem for Biutiful
Jeff Bridges for True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network
Colin Firth for The King's Speech
James Franco for 127 Hours
I am so gunning for Colin Firth on this one. He gets points from last year’s A Single Man, but honestly I think his performance in The King’s Speech stands on its own, and then some. There’s that accent, for one thing, and the way each word sticks painfully in his throat, the panic rising as the pause between words gets longer and longer…good lord. Possible upsets with Bridges and an outside chance for Jesse Eisenberg, who does a wonderful job in The Social Network, but I really think this is finally Firth’s. Hurrah!

Who should win: Colin Firth – “The King’s Speech”
Who will win: Colin Firth – “The King’s Speech”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Nominees:
Annette Bening for The Kids Are All Right
Nicole Kidman for Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence for Winter's Bone
Natalie Portman for Black Swan
Michelle Williams for Blue Valentine
Both Nicole Kidman and Michelle Williams pulled out beautifully real and draining performances in their respective movies. While Annette Bening is being touted as a possible upset, I really don’t think it was in any way an outstanding performance. Lawrence is by all accounts marvellous, but she’ll be going the Gabourey Sidibe route. This is Portman’s to win, and despite not being able to sit through Black Swan (apparently I didn’t even make it to the worst bits) it fits for her win.

Who should win: Natalie Portman – “Black Swan”
Who will win: Natalie Portman – “Black Swan”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
Christian Bale for The Fighter
John Hawkes for Winter's Bone
Jeremy Renner for The Town
Mark Ruffalo for The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush for The King's Speech
Mark Ruffalo just doesn’t deserve this one. It’s not a particularly outstanding performance, in a not particularly outstanding movie. The real fight is between Bale and Rush, and even then Bale has a massive head start. While I love Mr Rush in just about anything (he was still the best thing about Mystery Men) I think Bale deserves this.
Who should win: Christian Bale – “The Fighter”
Who will win: Christian Bale – “The Fighter”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Nominees:
Amy Adams for The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter for The King's Speech
Melissa Leo for The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld for True Grit
Jacki Weaver for Animal Kingdom
I’m so proud of Jacki Weaver – for an Australian actress in an Australian film to be noticed by the Oscars, it’s got to be a roundhouse-kick-to-the-head kind of performance. So I kind of hope that she pulls a Tilda Swinton and surprises everyone. Other than that…Melissa Leo is the most likely to win, but little Hailee Steinfeld is storming up a strong chance of upsetting, largely, I assume, due to the shock everyone experienced by not being annoyed out of their minds by a small child in a western. An extremely strong bunch of women.

Who should win: Hailee Steinfeld – “True Grit”
Who will win: Melissa Leo – “The Fighter”

Best Achievement in Directing
Nominees:
Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan
Ethan Coen, Joel Coen for True Grit
David Fincher for The Social Network
Tom Hooper for The King's Speech
David O. Russell for The Fighter
With the King’s Speech gaining momentum as the awards draw closer, I’m going to bet that they split the vote and give Director to David Fincher. He’s a quality director and though there seems to be a lot of love for the Coens in Hollywood, he did a fantastic job on the Social Network. As someone who liked both films just about equally, I’d be quite happy for the latter to get its due recognition.

Who should win: David Fincher – “The Social Network”
Who will win: David Fincher – “The Social Network”

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Nominees:
Another Year: Mike Leigh
The Fighter: Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson, Keith Dorrington
Inception: Christopher Nolan
The Kids Are All Right: Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg
The King's Speech: David Seidler
I thought for a while that Inception might just get this, but the fantasy aspect of the film plays against it. The Academy doesn’t tend to class fantasy writing as “proper writing”, which is a shame, but there it is. Look at Fellowship of the Ring. Sigh. So, then. If we’re dismissing an amazing concept then it’s going to be The King’s Speech, which in itself is a wonderfully written screenplay, and thoroughly deserving.

Who should win: David Seidler – “The King’s Speech”
Who will win: David Seidler – “The King’s Speech”

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Nominees:
127 Hours: Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
The Social Network: Aaron Sorkin
Toy Story 3: Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich
True Grit: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Winter's Bone: Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini
How I love Aaron Sorkin. Sure, he’s been known to plagiarise his own work shamelessly in the past (like, whole sentences), but the dialogue in the Social Network is all new and it’s fantastic. The elements of this story really are Shakespearean – it’s not a film about Facebook, it’s about greed, betrayal, envy, genius, ambition, twins, love, friendship… Grab yourself a ghost and some kids baked in a pie and you’ve got yourself a party.

Who should win: Aaron Sorkin – “The Social Network”
Who will win: Aaron Sorkin – “The Social Network”

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Nominees:
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3
Confession: I cried during Toy Story 3, and not just once. This trilogy of stories manages to get to that little kid inside all of us, and it’s done so without ever losing that attention to detail and universal sense of humour. I feel all this despite the three thirty-somethings sitting behind me in the theatre talking about how hot Buzz Lightyear was. Score, Pixar, score.

Who should win: Toy Story
Who will win: Toy Story

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Nominees:
Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Outside the Law (Algeria)
It pains me to go against my ancestors, but I’ve seen a bit of Dogtooth and it’s freaking disturbing. Dudes. Therapy. I’m tipping In A Better World, with no prior knowledge.

Who should win: In A Better World
Who will win: In A Better World

Best Achievement in Cinematography
Nominees:
Black Swan: Matthew Libatique
Inception: Wally Pfister
The King's Speech: Danny Cohen
The Social Network: Jeff Cronenweth
True Grit: Roger Deakins
Come on, Roger Deakins. It’s totally your year. Nine goddamn nominations and some frankly stunning cinematography. Otherwise I’d go for either Jeff Cronenweth or Wally Pfister, but I really think it’s about time the Academy threw Deakins a bone. How many more Coen brothers films does he have to shoot?

Who should win: Roger Deakins – “True Grit”
Who will win: Roger Deakins – “True Grit”

Best Achievement in Editing
Nominees:
127 Hours
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
The Social Network
Editing awards like boxing movies. This bugs me, but probably mostly because I have issues with boxing as a spectator sport. And so! Once again my inability to sit through Black Swan limits my ability to comment there, but what I saw looked pretty impressive, given the editing required when filming ballet from anywhere but the audience. The Social Network also has some stellar work, and I think I’ll be opting for it to take out the others.

Who should win: The Social Network
Who will win: The Social Network

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit
Ah, Harry Potter. How I want you to win an Oscar. Not going to happen this year, however (though I’d love for them to prove me wrong), and I’m calling this a race between Alice in Wonderland and Inception. I’m going for Inception.

Who should win: Inception
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Costume Design
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland: Colleen Atwood
I Am Love: Antonella Cannarozzi
The King's Speech: Jenny Beavan
The Tempest: Sandy Powell
True Grit: Mary Zophres
Sandy Powell is one of the biggest guns in the costume designing world, so you can never really count her out. Having said that, Colleen Atwood is a worthy opponent (and she won the BAFTA) and her costumes really informed each character in Alice in Wonderland. The Academy’s love of period drama means The King’s Speech is the other major contender.

Who should win: Colleen Atwood – “Alice in Wonderland”
Who will win: Jenny Beavan – “The King’s Speech”

Best Achievement in Makeup
Nominees:
Barney's Version: Adrien Morot
The Way Back: Edouard F. Henriques, Greg Funk, Yolanda Toussieng
The Wolfman: Rick Baker, Dave Elsey
Explain to me how Alice In Wonderland gets a Costume nod but not a Makeup one? Rick Baker’s name carries so much cred with it that my vote automatically inches in his direction.

Who should win: The Wolfman
Who will win: The Wolfman

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Nominees:
127 Hours: A.R. Rahman
How to Train Your Dragon: John Powell
Inception: Hans Zimmer
The King's Speech: Alexandre Desplat
The Social Network: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross
Wanna know something cool? I saw a concert at Albert Hall in London last year where a bunch of fantastic film composers conducted their best-known pieces with the London Phil. And while that’s cool in itself, one of those pieces was John Powell’s How To Train Your Dragon, and he was soooooo excited. Whee! Also the music was great fun, so part of me wants to see him win, but I think the smart money is with The Social Network’s trippy scoring. Also the guy’s name is Atticus, and I think that deserves an award. The King’s Speech is strong competition.

Who should win: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – “The Social Network”
Who will win: Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross – “The Social Network”

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Nominees:
127 Hours: A.R. Rahman, Rollo Armstrong, Dido("If I Rise")
Country Strong: Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges("Coming Home")
Tangled: Alan Menken, Glenn Slater("I See the Light")
Toy Story 3: Randy Newman("We Belong Together")
Oh lord. He’s back. Randy Newman and his bloody Song. Eugh. (If you haven’t heard my rants on this subject, you’re obviously new. Email me. We’ll talk.) This category has gone rogue so many times it’s difficult to predict (see Hustle and Flow’s win for “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp”…I mean, seriously). I could pick Toy Story 3, but I’m not gonna. It’s a matter of principles. I’m going for Menken’s reputation. I didn’t love the song from Tangled, but then, as noted, the wrong song has won here more than once.

Who should win: A. R. Rahman, Rollo Armstrong, Dido – “If I Rise, from 127 Hours
Who will win: Alan Menken, Glenn Slater – “I See the Light”, from Tangled

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
Nominees:
Inception
The King's Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit
What do fantasy films do when they can’t win the creative awards? They win the technical awards, that’s what. So this I’m giving to Inception, with a possible upset from The King’s Speech.

Who should win: The King’s Speech
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Nominees:
Inception
Toy Story 3
TRON: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable
I’m going with Inception again, but I’ve been wrong before in these categories. I also believe that, because sound editing is pretty much all there is in an animated film, more animated movies should win this category.

Who should win: Toy Story 3
Who will win: Inception

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Nominees:
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2
Hello again, Mr Potter! Sit down, relax, you’re not going anywhere. The team from Inception, however, should get their speeches ready. To those who believe Alice in Wonderland should win, I say: Paris folding in on itself. Ba-dom dom.

Who should win: Inception
Who will win: Inception

Best Documentary, Features
Nominees:
Exit Through the Gift Shop
GasLand
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land
What do I really know about this – no, I haven’t as yet seen any of them. I hear great things about Restrepo, but both previous award ceremonies and the word on the street gives this to Inside Job.

Who should win: Exit Through the Gift Shop (because it’s BANKSY)
Who will win: Inside Job

Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Nominees:
Killing in the Name

Poster Girl
Strangers No More
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang
Even less known about this category. Eenie, meenie, mynee, mo…

Who should win: Killing in the Name
Who will win: Strangers No More

Best Short Film, Animated
Nominees:
Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let's Pollute
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, a Journey Diary
I loved “Day & Night”, as I love most Pixar shorts. A fantastic mixture of 3D and 2D animation, with a sweet little story. I think the recent proliferation of the Gruffalo (as witnessed, non-plussed, in children’s book-and-toystores), may upset my plans. Basically anything but Madagascar.

Who should win: Day & Night
Who will win: The Gruffalo

Best Short Film, Live Action
Nominees:
The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143
Catch a tiger by the toe….

In which the OBlogs are a bit scarce this year

Alternative Oscars haven't been around for a few years. A combination of dangerously low energy levels and lack of time have contributed to this being the only OBlog I've managed to churn out this year. Anyway, here they are.

Best performance by an inanimate object:
The boulder (127 Hours) – It's pretty big....I guess. Not as big as I was expecting, although I suppose it did the job…
The horcrux (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1) – almost drowns our hero and drives Ron out of the trio. It’s a lot of work for a bit of metal.
The spinning top (Inception) – never has such a small object sparked such a round of debate
The microphone (The King’s Speech) – managed to make it look looming and intimidating
The Harvard rule book (The Social Network) – ultimately useless, but it tries its honourable best
Rooster’s eye patch (True Grit) – he is WEARING that eye patch

Fictional location you’d most like to spend an afternoon:
The Mad Hatter’s tea party (Alice in Wonderland) – a little uncomfortable, maybe, and you’d have to change your seats every now and then, but you’d never be bored
The Future Room (Blue Valentine) – not, it turns out, all that romantic, but perhaps the future just isn’t like that
The tent (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1) – perhaps a bit short on entertainment, and a bit high on danger, but the company and locations would be pretty cool
Ken’s dressing room (Toy Story 3) – be honest, you’re dying to check out the rest of this wardrobe, this would be the most fun you’d have in an afternoon

Best one-liner:
“……..Timing is not my strong suit.” (The King’s Speech)
“I’m six foot five, 220 pounds, and there’s two of me” (The Social Network)
“No one appreciates clothes here, Barbie. No one!” – (Toy Story 3)

Transport of choice:
On pointe (Black Swan) – ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Your own small plane (The King’s Speech) – despite the inherent coolness of flying your own plane, I suspect my air sickness would limit any cool points
Long row boats (The Social Network) – put it this way, as long as you were in charge of steering, it’s a nice way to get around
Horses (True Grit) – I’m willing to accept that not everyone likes horses as much as me, even though I’m allergic…though I don’t suppose constant sneezing and antihistamines would fit in well in the old west. Still, considering the alternatives…

Best meal in a motion picture:
Urine and chocolate bars (127 Hours) – um…no.
“Eat me” cake and tea (Alice in Wonderland) – so long as you find the pot of tea without a dormouse in it
Nothing at all (Black Swan) – impossible. Utterly impossible.
Wine (The Kids Are All Right) – Annette Bening is a mean drunk
Vodka and Viagra (Love and Other Drugs) – hardly sustaining on a long-term basis…and now I’m regretting my choice of words

Beer and pizza (The Social Network) – not the healthiest of diets, but apparently it didn’t stunt anyone’s mental capabilities

Picks up next!

In which I find it difficult to find pictures of sound effects

After a rather elongated break, we're back in our seats and ready for the awards for Best Sound Editing. To present is Stephen Hawking. Some thing this is in bad taste, but Gil Cates is at That Point where he doesn't care anymore. And Mr Hawking is happy enough, so here we go:

Nominees are:

ET: The Extra-Terrestrial - Ben Burtt, Richard Anderson (Burtt is a bit of a sound legend when it comes to creating artificial voices, including the creatures in Star Wars and WALL*E...on the other hand, it was the elderly Ms Pat Welsh, smoker of two packs of cigarettes a day, who provided the voice for ET. Hmm.)

Back to the Future - Charles Campbell, Robert Rutledge (because who doesn't want to see this film up here. It's freaking awesome)

Jurassic Park - Gary Rydstrom, Richard Hymns (the amount of animal calls they recorded to get a brand new voice for the T-Rex and the raptors)

Saving Private Ryan - Gary Rydstrom, Richard Hymns (pew! pew! pew! KABOOM!)

The Incredibles - Michael Silvers and Randy Thom (I've always wanted an animated film to win this. Just seems natural)

And the winner is....Ben Burtt for ET! And yes, it's largely due to the trivia, which is fairly awesome. Adding to the voice of the title character were: Spielberg himself, Debra Winger, Burtt's wife, asleep and with a cold, racoons, sea otters and horses and his USC film professor's burp. Now, who wouldn't brag about that until their dying day? Anyway, Burtt gives a largely unintelligible speech, but one at which Chewbacca and Jabba the Hutt roar with laughter.

Next up is Best Sound, and I have to be honest, at this point the, er, impartial judges are getting a little overwhelmed, and I think the following award categories may suffer for it. Nevertheless...

The Sound Barrier, 1952 - London Films Sound Department (if I knew how to type a shrug, that's what you'd see here)

The Sound of Music, 1963 - James Corcoran etc. (lots of the musicals got nominations, and I figured, what with the titles and all that singing in high places....)

Apocalypse Now, 1979 - Walter Murch, Mark Berger, Richard Beggs, Nat Boxer (Walter Murch had about three months in which to get the sound done, a fact not made easier by the fact that the previously-planned narration had been dropped...pretty impressive to go from that to an Oscar. A huge achievement in surround sound development)

Apollo 13, 1995 - Rick Dior, Steve Pederson, Scott Millan and David MacMillan (it sounds like this: WHOOOOOOOOSHHHHH! BANGGGG!)

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, 2003 - Christopher Boyes, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek and Michael Semanick (clash! oof! thud! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

And the Fantasy Oscar goes to....Apocalypse Now! Walter Murch looks immensely tired and overworked, and can barely hold his award. He is, however, dragged off the stage before he can get too far into his speech to Francis Ford Coppola about how he's a horrible man who worked him into the ground with unreasonable timelines and lack of understanding...he really doesn't even get that far, but I'm filling in the blanks for you here.

Everyone manages to pat down their sweaty foreheads, as the final deadline looms before them, like a great looming thing...

Yeah. Like that.