ACK!

February 24: 1 Sleep to go

ACK! So unorganised. So procrastinatory. I’ve cleaned out my wardrobe now, though, so all that remains is to write this damn thing.

Tips for avoiding early broadcasts of the Oscars:
· Don’t talk to ANYONE. Safe, but kind of anti-social, and a little extreme, so you might want to use this as a last resort.
· Don’t sign out of hotmail. Ever. Because then you’ll go straight to the ninemsn site, who will spoil it all quicker than you can say “antidisestablishmentarianism”.
· Don’t listen to the radio.
· Don’t watch TV. Especially Channel nine. They SUCK.
· Perfect the fingers-in-the-ears/la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you technique. Sure it’s immature, but it works.
· Prepare apology letters for anyone you offend while employing any of the above.

In non-Oscar movie news—I just saw Stardust, of which I had heard almost nothing, but should really be given more credit than it’s gotten. It’s a fairy tale, no doubt about it, but it’s humour is along the lines of The Princess Bride, and like that classic, best viewed without cynicism.

But it’s time for the last big BEANIE of the season, and it is the:

And What Have We Learned Award

Which goes to:

All Babies Want to Get Borned, from Juno

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m supporting or not supporting any kind of view here, other than the fact that it’s a catchy tune, belted out in mantra-form by Juno’s classmate outside the Women Now abortion clinic (“because they help women now”). Little light on the grammar, perhaps, but the intention is there.

Juno is one of my favourite films of 2007—for one thing it’s so refreshing to have a comedy among all the darkness, but for another it’s just damn good. Excellent acting by Ellen Page, who I would so love to win an Oscar, and a snappy script that manages to be cynical and adorable all at once. Arrested Development’s Jason Bateman (woo!) and Michael Cera are fantastic, and Allison Janney and JK Simmons (“Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!”) are beautiful as Juno’s parents. Even, as a friend of mine grudgingly admits, Jennifer Garner pulls out some real acting chops here. (What the heck are “acting chops” supposed to be, anyway?) (complete aside borne of too much internet searching: “chops” actually refers to musical ability, or more specifically, the mouth, and for someone to have “real chops”, it means they’re really going for it on whatever wind instrument they’re playing. Anyway…)

What I love most is the fact that from the minute you’re plonked in this world you feel like its familiar. It’s grounded, quick, honest in its intentions and just plain funny.

Let’s have a look at Juno’s chances on Monday night:

Best Picture
Oh, how I would love for this to win. I don’t think there’s much chance of that, though, considering the rave reviews surrounding No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Still. Stranger things have happened in this category. I mean, Crash won, didn’t it?

Best Actress—Ellen Page
There’s a very small chance that Ellen Page might take this from Julie Christie, but even if Ms Christie doesn’t win, there’s still Marion Cotillard, whose performance in La Mome is receiving a lot of attention. Still, if life were mine to control…

Best Director—Jason Reitman
Again, it’s possible, but I think it’s far more likely that any upset of the Good Ship Cohen will be made by Julian Schnabel for The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Best Original Screenplay—Diablo Cody
Yay! Juno’s biggest hopes are in this category, and I shall be pleased as a very pleased person can be if it wins. Any movie that includes the line “Thundercats are go!”, you know. I’m pretty sure that was what was missing from Casablanca.

No, in all seriousness, I love this script. Very naturally written, with wonderfully rounded characters, a great heart, lovely exposition, and lines that are plain hilarious.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood. Ugly, pretty. Handsome…what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”
—JK Simmons, Juno—

PS—I suppose I should mention all the other BEANIEs I never had time to devote a whole Omail to:

Most Brilliant Use of Nudity

Bart skateboarding to Krustyburger, from The Simpsons Movie

Is it juvenile that I found this so hilarious? Because I really did. Ahahahahaha.

Best Use of Animals in a Motion Picture

The Swan, from Hot Fuzz (I know, again)

Picture it: a car chase through English county roads. Bullets fly back and forth between the cars as inhabitants of each lean out the window and fire. They fly around the bends faster and faster, they’ve almost reached the highway, when—“SWAN!”

It’s a real stretch not to give this film all the awards. I’ll be restrained. But you’ve got to hand it to that swan. Masterfully evading capture throughout the entire film, only to pop up at the end to kick some ass. Also it gives us this lovely exchange earlier between Simon Pegg and Stephen Merchant:

Angel: Yes, Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?
Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kind of orange and black bill...
Angel: Anything else?
Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object in a Motion Picture

The Pee-Stick, from Juno

There it is, that unholy little plus-sign, signaling a complete about-turn for the life of one Juno MacGuff. As that guy from the American version of The Office (whom I can’t stand) says, “It ain’t no etch-a-sketch. That’s one doodle that can’t be un-did.”