It's a flower, you nudnik!

Today I've been learning about history. This comes on the heels of having finally gotten around to watching The Last King of Scotland, and Forest Whittaker's beautiful performance. Half the time he seemed like a decent guy, and then, oh then, he was off raving lunatic, and you remembered how much power he had in his grasp and how disturbing that was.

Anyway, history. Turns out in the 1600s there was this massive mania stirred up over the ownership of tulips. Just in case you're not imagining the right kind of "massive", I'll give you a rundown of what you could get in exchange for one viceroy tulip bulb:

8 fat pigs + 4 fat oxen + 12 fat sheep + 24 tuns wheat + 48 tuns rye + 2 hogsheads wine + 4 tuns beer + 2 tuns butter + 1,000 lbs cheese + 1 silver drinking cup + 1 pack clothes + 1 bed + 1 ship.

Then one day the market just crashed, and all of a sudden there were people standing about, letting it dawn upon them that while they used to own a bevy of animals, food, clothes and boats, they were left to console themselves with a Single Freaking Flower. Ooo, de lally.

History is a funny little bugger.

Meanwhile, I'm going to have some chocolate, because I'm sure one day that the scientists are going to tell me how good it is for me.

O

Rabies, and other concerns...

Ok, so my Oscar picks were way off. Well, 13 of them were, anyway, which is not exactly comforting.

Time for something new! Today I shall be waxing lyrical on overseas travel, as I am soon to embark on the same. Yesterday I went to ask people to jab me full of vaccinations and learned that a) whatever your expectations, tetanus injections are going to hurt, and b) the same goes for rabies. Mmm. Rabies. There's a conversation stopper. What I find more disturbing, however, is that if I happen to get scratched by an animal at any time, I need to go have two more rabies injections immediately! Woo!

While I was waiting to be jabbed, I was sat down with six or seven big, burly policemen in overalls, the kind that the Police Force sends to public relations events. Good heavens. All I wanted from then on was a high pitched scream to come from one of their vaccination rooms.

Why is it I'm so afraid of needles? It's only a tiny piece of metal, after all. And some chemicals. And it's going into your arm in 3...2...1... It's the anticipation, I think. You know, when they hold it up and flick it to get the air bubbles out and you remember why they're doing it and what air bubbles can do to a person, and the idea that you know that in a moment something is going to hurt you, and that you're going to let it. Your various systems argue with each other: the brain tells you to stop being a wuss and take it; your muscles get all tough and tense; your stomach has a sort of vicarious nervous reaction and your nerves are backing away going "Hey hey hey, I remember this! Get that thing away from me!"

I still wonder why, with all that modern science can do, they haven't invented oral vaccines for all of these things. Seriously. I mean, thanks for penicilin and bubble wrap and ipods and everything, but come on...is anyone thinking about the vaccines? Are you just going to give up and say "well, we've got that far--who wants ice cream?"

Meanwhile, the day of departure advances, with a worrying sort of too-soon inevitability. Am I ready? Do I have everything I need? Can't someone else do all this for me? The answer to all these questions is, regrettably, "no". I still need boots, documents, phones organised, itinerary sent, doctor's letters assuring the people I'll be staying with that I'm of sound mind...that sort of thing. Hmm. I've travelled quite a bit for someone of my age, I suppose, and on my own, so I should really be used to all this by now. But really what it is, is that somehow it all seems to come together ok.

I think I'll choose to find that optimistic.

O

ACK!

February 24: 1 Sleep to go

ACK! So unorganised. So procrastinatory. I’ve cleaned out my wardrobe now, though, so all that remains is to write this damn thing.

Tips for avoiding early broadcasts of the Oscars:
· Don’t talk to ANYONE. Safe, but kind of anti-social, and a little extreme, so you might want to use this as a last resort.
· Don’t sign out of hotmail. Ever. Because then you’ll go straight to the ninemsn site, who will spoil it all quicker than you can say “antidisestablishmentarianism”.
· Don’t listen to the radio.
· Don’t watch TV. Especially Channel nine. They SUCK.
· Perfect the fingers-in-the-ears/la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you technique. Sure it’s immature, but it works.
· Prepare apology letters for anyone you offend while employing any of the above.

In non-Oscar movie news—I just saw Stardust, of which I had heard almost nothing, but should really be given more credit than it’s gotten. It’s a fairy tale, no doubt about it, but it’s humour is along the lines of The Princess Bride, and like that classic, best viewed without cynicism.

But it’s time for the last big BEANIE of the season, and it is the:

And What Have We Learned Award

Which goes to:

All Babies Want to Get Borned, from Juno

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m supporting or not supporting any kind of view here, other than the fact that it’s a catchy tune, belted out in mantra-form by Juno’s classmate outside the Women Now abortion clinic (“because they help women now”). Little light on the grammar, perhaps, but the intention is there.

Juno is one of my favourite films of 2007—for one thing it’s so refreshing to have a comedy among all the darkness, but for another it’s just damn good. Excellent acting by Ellen Page, who I would so love to win an Oscar, and a snappy script that manages to be cynical and adorable all at once. Arrested Development’s Jason Bateman (woo!) and Michael Cera are fantastic, and Allison Janney and JK Simmons (“Hey there, big puffy version of Junebug!”) are beautiful as Juno’s parents. Even, as a friend of mine grudgingly admits, Jennifer Garner pulls out some real acting chops here. (What the heck are “acting chops” supposed to be, anyway?) (complete aside borne of too much internet searching: “chops” actually refers to musical ability, or more specifically, the mouth, and for someone to have “real chops”, it means they’re really going for it on whatever wind instrument they’re playing. Anyway…)

What I love most is the fact that from the minute you’re plonked in this world you feel like its familiar. It’s grounded, quick, honest in its intentions and just plain funny.

Let’s have a look at Juno’s chances on Monday night:

Best Picture
Oh, how I would love for this to win. I don’t think there’s much chance of that, though, considering the rave reviews surrounding No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Still. Stranger things have happened in this category. I mean, Crash won, didn’t it?

Best Actress—Ellen Page
There’s a very small chance that Ellen Page might take this from Julie Christie, but even if Ms Christie doesn’t win, there’s still Marion Cotillard, whose performance in La Mome is receiving a lot of attention. Still, if life were mine to control…

Best Director—Jason Reitman
Again, it’s possible, but I think it’s far more likely that any upset of the Good Ship Cohen will be made by Julian Schnabel for The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Best Original Screenplay—Diablo Cody
Yay! Juno’s biggest hopes are in this category, and I shall be pleased as a very pleased person can be if it wins. Any movie that includes the line “Thundercats are go!”, you know. I’m pretty sure that was what was missing from Casablanca.

No, in all seriousness, I love this script. Very naturally written, with wonderfully rounded characters, a great heart, lovely exposition, and lines that are plain hilarious.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood. Ugly, pretty. Handsome…what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”
—JK Simmons, Juno—

PS—I suppose I should mention all the other BEANIEs I never had time to devote a whole Omail to:

Most Brilliant Use of Nudity

Bart skateboarding to Krustyburger, from The Simpsons Movie

Is it juvenile that I found this so hilarious? Because I really did. Ahahahahaha.

Best Use of Animals in a Motion Picture

The Swan, from Hot Fuzz (I know, again)

Picture it: a car chase through English county roads. Bullets fly back and forth between the cars as inhabitants of each lean out the window and fire. They fly around the bends faster and faster, they’ve almost reached the highway, when—“SWAN!”

It’s a real stretch not to give this film all the awards. I’ll be restrained. But you’ve got to hand it to that swan. Masterfully evading capture throughout the entire film, only to pop up at the end to kick some ass. Also it gives us this lovely exchange earlier between Simon Pegg and Stephen Merchant:

Angel: Yes, Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?
Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kind of orange and black bill...
Angel: Anything else?
Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object in a Motion Picture

The Pee-Stick, from Juno

There it is, that unholy little plus-sign, signaling a complete about-turn for the life of one Juno MacGuff. As that guy from the American version of The Office (whom I can’t stand) says, “It ain’t no etch-a-sketch. That’s one doodle that can’t be un-did.”

By the power of Greyskull!

February 22: 3 Sleeps to go

Goodness me. It’s time to switch on some Oscar-nominated music and type! TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!

The conversations I’ve come across about the original song nominations, three of which contain songs from Enchanted, all seem to go nuts for the song “Falling Slowly” from Once, so I’ve checked it out, and it’s lovely—mellow, sweet, at times aching—also it sounds like it’s being sung by Cat Stevens. This may make or break your interest in this song.

What else can I report on? I saw Eastern Promises this week, despite my lukewarm reaction to A History of Violence (same director), and it wasn’t half bad, actually. Quite involving. Benefits include the return of Armin Mueller-Stahl, who looks exactly like he did in The Power of One, and a lovely bit from Jerzy Skolimowski as Naomi Watt’s uncle. But anyone who’s seen this movie is going talk about one scene, and one scene only, with a faint air of reverence and eyes bugged in awe: “The Bath House Scene”. I’ll solve the mystery. It’s a fight. A pretty violent and well-choreographed one. In a bath house. Also Viggo’s in the nuddy the whole time.
Kind of an eye-opener.

ANYWAY. Let’s look at this film’s chances—only one nomination for:

Best Actor—Viggo Mortensen
It’s well-deserved, actually, and kind of a long time coming, ‘cause he’s awesome. This performance is (…pause as I search for a word that can’t be used as a double entendre…) both natural and tightly-wound. He does “eerily calm” really well, and the nuances in his facial expressions are fantastic. I don’t really think he’s got much of a chance of taking out Daniel Day-Lewis or Johnny Depp, but for now that’s ok, and I’m happy with him being “Oscar Nominee Viggo Mortensen” for the time being.

Heh. Which reminds me of a speech a couple of years ago…
“…It's the funny thing about winning an Academy Award, it will always be synonymous with your name from here on in. It will be ‘Oscar winner, George Clooney…Sexiest Man Alive, 1997…Batman…died today in a freak accident…’”

And with all this talk of Eastern Promises, today’s BEANIE is going to be a bit surprising, but the BEANIE for

Best Fight

goes to…

Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost-firing-two-guns-while-jumping-in-the-air-and-going-‘arg’, from Hot Fuzz

Yeah, Viggo is nekkid, and yeah, Rocky’s a hundred and eleven, but it’s nothing compared to this. At various times during the film, Nick Frost, whose character has seen way too many cop films, asks Simon Pegg’s seasoned cop the following:

“Have you ever fired a gun whilst jumping through the air?”
“Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?”
“Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone ‘arg’?”

The answers are all “no”, but what follows is all of the above, and the most marvelous piece of filmmaking. EVER. It’s a damn good ride, culminating in a fight sequence between the above and the citizens of a tiny English town, for which you just know the writers were sitting around the table going “ok, ok—you know what else would be awesome?” Octogenarians and shot-guns, that’s the ticket.

This film is a parody of every cop movie ever made, and the inclusion of 007 Timothy Dalton, along with some of Britain’s most venerable actors, is a lovely touch. What makes it hysterical, apart from the fact that the script is BRILLIANT, is the absolute seriousness with which everyone plays it. There’s every British comic actor under the sun, and a cameo each by Peter Jackson and Cate Blanchett. Guns! Knives! Blood! A giant monkey! What more could you want?
If you haven’t seen this film, I’ll hunt you down and make you watch it. I’m talking clockwork orange here. Except not really, because I find that totally creepy. But as for Hot Fuzz, see it!

[about Point Break] “Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride. But, there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.”
—Simon Pegg—Hot Fuzz—

O